The Day I Became A Beggar

As I come to write today I am really at a loss of what to say.

Though my past couple of weeks have been full of some amazing times, they have also been seeded with overwhelming despair. You know the kind of despair where you just have to take it minute by minute and pray to God that He sustains you?

This loss of what to say is sorta new for me. If you know me well you know that I enjoy talking...talking to anything and everything that can't get away from me quick enough :)

During my times of prayer I kept finding myself at a loss of what to say too. I had no words to express what I myself could not even understand. 

And, as He so often does, my Lord met me there in the silence. And though many times when He meets me there He speaks, this time He wanted me to share. 

I fought against it as I had no concept of how to even get through the day, nevertheless explain to the Creator of all things what I was asking of Him. 

But He kept me there.

There in the uncomfortable space that lies between being an attentive listener and being a speaker. I didn't like it...at all. I could see no need for it.

There in that space I learned something...I learned how to beg.

A worker I have been. A leader I have been. A beggar...this was new.

But here in the awkward, smothering space I could hold it in no longer. I was incapable of listening and incapable of leading....all I could do was to beg.

Beg for peace and joy. Beg for mercy and grace. Beg for forgiveness and discernment.

The floodgates of my eyes, soul, and mouth opened and poured forth...what? I did not know at the time.

And what I learned has changed my relationship with Christ in a way I had no idea needed changed.

Through the tears and pleas my Jesus met me there. 
Though I was brought to the space kicking and screaming, He met me there in peace and in love. 

And I saw Him.

The comforter and the lover. The encourager and the healer.

His gentleness surprised me.
His patience shocked me.
His grace was overwhelming.
But most of all His love rocked my world.

My minds eye had an image and He shattered it. He replaced it with one I could not have comprehended.

So what is someone to do that's world has been radically changed by an encounter with Him?

This....

"Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”    Matthew 28:18-20