Worshiping My Children

Okay, so I after reading a lot in the Old Testament about how the Israelite's kept on turning to idols I prayed that God would show me any idols I might have in my life.

Now I was really thinking....Oh God, look how AWESOME I am! I could totally whoop up on those Israelite's cuz You KNOW I don't have any idols before YOU!!

And then, as so often happens when I come to the Lord with a bit of a self-righteous tone...SMACK DOWN!!  No, God didn't smack me down but when He started showing me what idols I had in my life....well, let's just say the Israelite's were whooping up on me!

So just to give you a teeny, tiny glimpse into what He showed me...here ya go!  Security, CONTROL, Being in on the know, CONTROL, my children, CONTROL!! I'd say I have a bit of a struggle with control :)

I guess the one that really, really shocked me was my children. You see, I had struggled through this one before, or so I thought. You know, trying to come to terms with the fact that my children are not my own, but they are the Lord's and if He calls them to do something other than what I think, that is okay. And I'm not guaranteed to have them for any length of time. So though I in no way claim to have completely turned this over to Him, I would have said I was well on my way. Then....

SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT MADE ONE OF MY GIRLS SAD!!  REALLY, REALLY SAD!  Not just a cry a tear and get over it sad, but a soul wrenching sadness that claws into a mama's gut and pulls out every bit of mother instinct one can have.

Oh my how it hurt to see her in pain. So I did what any mother would do...I wanted to fix it! But this was something that I really had no way of even beginning to fix. In fact, the only thing I could do was to watch her hurt and that, my friends, was not an option. (Please recall that I mentioned CONTROL as an idol a couple of times earlier :) )

So I prayed. And. I. Prayed. Oh my goodness I needed God to fix it and it was not happening fast enough for this mom. In fact, don't tell anyone but I started to get a bit annoyed that God was not fixing things. Then I began to question what type of Father He really was if he could sit back and watch her like this.

Well....You guys can probably already see a definite problem developing here but it took me a bit longer!  Anyways, the Lord began to show me that I was worshiping my children's happiness over Him, thus idolizing them.

Whoa now! My kids say "Yes ma'am" and "No ma'am" to me! I certainly don't idolize them...I command respect!!

Yes, well, somewhere between cradling them as infants and commanding respect I started to place their happiness on a pedestal. Really, really tall ones!!  :) And when they became unhappy in a way that I didn't understand and couldn't help with, especially if I felt like they deserved the happiness it...well, that kinda became my first priority.

I actually was pretty stinking quick to throw God aside and take up idol.

So, once I could see this I was perplexed as how to proceed. You see in the Old Testament they were told to bash in their asherah poles and bashing my girls was not really an option...whew!! So how do you deal with an idol that you can't avoid. Heck, it is an idol that is a blessing from God! (Isn't it crazy how I can take a blessing and turn it into an idol?)

So here is what I did. First I had to really, REALLY pray. I could not get rid of the idol worship on my own so I had to ask the Lord to do it for me. Slowly...sooo slowly He began to show me what a good, good father He is.

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:11

He showed me that it is always good for me to mimic His parenting, but He is NOT going to mimic mine.

What? You mean God can parent in ways other than what I think is right??  You betcha'!!!!

The other thing I learned was to cling to the things the Lord promises for my children.

God will be with them when they walk through difficult times and will keep them from becoming consumed. Isaiah 43:2

He will fill them! Matthew 5:6

God has good works for them to do. 2 Timothy 2:20-21

He will uphold them Isaiah 41:10

They have been made new creations in Christ! 2 Corinthians 5:17

The difference here is that my focus began to change from being solely on my girls to solely on God. And apart from Him there IS NO good for my children.

Once again I am going to close a post telling how I totally do NOT have this down pat yet! I still struggle with putting their happiness or what I believe will bring them happiness ahead of the Lord, but the Lord is faithful to bring my focus back on Him.

Sometimes it is incredibly difficult for me to take the blessing of my children and not cling so tightly to it that I leave no space for the other abundant blessings God has for them and for me. But I am so thankful His mercies are new every morning!!  Great is His faithfulness!!

Because He is also a good, good Father to me :)

Feeling Let Down By God

God let me down.

He left me alone and in despair. I looked for Him, I cried out for Him but He was nowhere to be found.

I was obedient to His instructions and I held fast to His promises. And then, when I needed Him He was not there for me, and I did not know what to do.

What is a person to do when they are abandoned by someone they completely trusted?

How do you take the next step when the author of your steps has left?

Well....you don't. Or at least I didn't. I just stood there in disbelief and in jaw gaping wonder of how this could have happened and how everything I had based my life on was shaky. I stood there trying to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other and go on after the Creator of all things deserted His creation.

Sometimes the only way you can get that next step is through hope and when that is taken away, how are your supposed to proceed?

Then I remembered from my Old Testament reading how all throughout Israel was told to tell stories of God's faithfulness. Remember the past. So I did.

I remembered God's faithfulness when we conceived our third daughter. I remember His faithfulness through the deliveries of our youngest two daughters.

There was a time soon after we were married that we were high on love but very, VERY low on money. The Lord sent a random check in the mail. He was faithful!

When my husband was laid-off from work God was oh so faithful to provide a new, better fitting job!

He healed me from disease.

God has been nothing but faithful to me.

Then I began to thank Him for this faithfulness.

A funny thing happens when you pour thankfulness into one's heart...the anger and despair becomes engulfed by the thankfulness.  You see, scripture tells us over and over the power of a thankful heart!

So now I am still not taking any steps, but I am able to at least stand on my own. And then in the resting of my feet I am reminded that though it might not look like my God is there and it might not feel like my God is there, His own pattern of faithfulness says that He is there.

As I continue to rest my feet not knowing how to step forward I am slowly consumed by His presence of peace and of hope. The warmth of His Spirit begins to fill mine and I discover three things.

First, when I doubt Him....REMEMBER Him.

Second, sometimes I need to rest my feet so that my Lord can not only guide me but consume me.

And finally, what felt to me like God letting me down was in actuality just God SLOWING me down. Kinda like with Elijah...I need to eat and drink God's food so I would be ready for the amazing journey He has prepared before me.

So eat and drink what the Lord has to offer, be refreshed, and then be ready to run!

The Day I Became A Beggar

As I come to write today I am really at a loss of what to say.

Though my past couple of weeks have been full of some amazing times, they have also been seeded with overwhelming despair. You know the kind of despair where you just have to take it minute by minute and pray to God that He sustains you?

This loss of what to say is sorta new for me. If you know me well you know that I enjoy talking...talking to anything and everything that can't get away from me quick enough :)

During my times of prayer I kept finding myself at a loss of what to say too. I had no words to express what I myself could not even understand. 

And, as He so often does, my Lord met me there in the silence. And though many times when He meets me there He speaks, this time He wanted me to share. 

I fought against it as I had no concept of how to even get through the day, nevertheless explain to the Creator of all things what I was asking of Him. 

But He kept me there.

There in the uncomfortable space that lies between being an attentive listener and being a speaker. I didn't like it...at all. I could see no need for it.

There in that space I learned something...I learned how to beg.

A worker I have been. A leader I have been. A beggar...this was new.

But here in the awkward, smothering space I could hold it in no longer. I was incapable of listening and incapable of leading....all I could do was to beg.

Beg for peace and joy. Beg for mercy and grace. Beg for forgiveness and discernment.

The floodgates of my eyes, soul, and mouth opened and poured forth...what? I did not know at the time.

And what I learned has changed my relationship with Christ in a way I had no idea needed changed.

Through the tears and pleas my Jesus met me there. 
Though I was brought to the space kicking and screaming, He met me there in peace and in love. 

And I saw Him.

The comforter and the lover. The encourager and the healer.

His gentleness surprised me.
His patience shocked me.
His grace was overwhelming.
But most of all His love rocked my world.

My minds eye had an image and He shattered it. He replaced it with one I could not have comprehended.

So what is someone to do that's world has been radically changed by an encounter with Him?

This....

"Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”    Matthew 28:18-20