I Am Scared

  
Good morning! :)

Before you read this I want to give you a little information. 

You see, I wrote this in my journal on September 10 of this year. It was a very raw, heart wrenching entry for me to write, but one that needed to be written and worked through.  

Written by me...and worked through by God.

I need you to read this and know something...God is so very tender and good. He is working this out in my life and the way and timing of His doing so is nothing short of amazing.

An amazing display of His love of me and His goodness towards me.

I need you to know that I am okay. 

I am better than okay, I am loved and cherished by not only my incredible God but by my husband and daughters. And by so very many loving people that God has put in my life here and in Texas.

And God is working this out in my life. How He is doing so is for another day and another post...but I will definitely share the testimony of His glorious work!!

I want to share this because my thought is that I am not the only one that has struggled with this.

So here you go my friends...... 


A few years ago God began to change me. 

He opened my eyes to the world...a world He loved.

He game me a compassionate heart for people...He helped me to see His heart for people.

It took a while before I was willing to step out and respond to this, but when you obtain even the slightest taste of the Father's desire that all people know and come to Him, it becomes a lot harder to stay in that comfortable place that I'd sat in for so long.

You see, in that comfortable place is where I built a need...an indispensable need of...MYSELF...or so I thought.

The day came where I had to make a choice. Stay where I was "needed" or go where I was asked to go.

The place I was "needed" was a good place. I cooked, cleaned, loved, mediated, supported...really I did whatever I could to make myself needed. Because if I'm needed I won't be rejected and I have safety and security.

Safety and security feel good.

The place I was asked to go was an unknown place. It was still a place where I cooked, cleaned, loved, mediated, and supported. But I did so knowing that I was NOT indispensable.

I was replaceable.

Thank the Lord that I didn't realize that until I got there because I think I would have chosen to stay "needed."

Unfortunately just because you are asked to do a task doesn't mean that the task will be easy. And when the road gets bumpy, I desperately flail my arms to grab on to what I feel is safe, and that is to be needed.

As I do the tasks I was chosen to do I am quick to realize my despensability.

Anyone can cook, clean, drive a van, plan a trip.

So as I flail to find safety, everything I grab on to sinks. I can't seem to make myself "needed" so I commit to more and more in a desperate attempt to find security.

I grab for security through friendship and things continue to sink. No "needy" friends to be found, though God blesses me with stable ones.

I pour everything I have materially, emotionally, and spiritually into the task I was asked to do.

That sounds like a good thing, but when we pour too fast and when we pour into the cup of security as opposed to the cup of God's glory, we eventually run out.

And that is where I am at.

Empty.
Dried out.
Desperate for something safe and secure.

So I begin to wonder, maybe there is something to learn through and in this. Maybe the God of the universe did not just throw me into an ocean of insecurity to watch me sputter and gasp...maybe I have something to take from it.

Something to grow.

Maybe, just maybe I am looking for security in the wrong place. Maybe I am grabbing the wrong things.

I am beginning to think that I need to face my insecurity and feelings of being unsafe if I ever want to find true, sound security.

I have to stop running away before I can run to Him.

I have to let go of sinking securities so I can reach out my hand to true security.

But it's hard to let go of even a false sense of security when you are so very afraid of drowning.

And maybe admitting how scared I am is the first step in prying my fingers off of the sinking log I've become so attached to.

Drowning

I was thinking yesterday about something someone said to me. They remarked how well I handled things based on my blog posts.

I don't remember what my outer response was, but I know on the inside I laughed. I laughed because I totally stink at handling most any situation that goes against the way I think or want it to go. :)

So I thought that maybe it might be helpful to myself, and maybe to someone who reads this, to blog about something that I am in the middle of. 

At the time when I don't have answers.

A time when I have no idea how to handle life.

That time is now.

Our move to Wisconsin has been a wonderful one. 
We knew that we were called here. 
We had a couple of friends here before arriving.
It is beautiful here.

Our move to Wisconsin has also been a trying one.
Being here without William for extended periods of time.
Leaving my huge support system in Texas.
Broken family relationships.
It is difficult here.

Right now I am in a time that frankly I feel so desperate, so lonely, so discarded, and so lost. 

William has had to go back to Texas for work for an extended period of time and that scares me. 

It scares me because there are so many things that I don't know how to do....like change the flat tire that I got yesterday.

It scares me because I don't process or handle stress very well without his support and I feel sooo stressed. 
So stressed, and I don't know what to do with the way I feel.

It scares me because parenting alone here is hard. 
I have no backup. 
No one to tell me that it's going to be okay. 
No one to help give me a break on those days when I just need to be alone and have some time.

And it scares me because I am fearful of people leaving me now. 

I think when you experience people choosing to step out of your life...people that you thought would always be there...it makes it so hard to trust the support of others. Even those that deserve your trust.

I have a support system here, thank the Lord, but it is small. And I feel like I am constantly asking too much of them. 

Also, in the back of my mind I greatly fear that they will grow tired of me, or possibly see how flawed I am, and step out of my life. Then I will truly be all alone here. 

                             

I have trouble being still. 
I have trouble just sitting in our home.

Part of that, I think, is that I don't want to deal with some of the feelings I have.

Another is that I'm afraid if I stop "doing," then people won't "want" me here, and they will discard me, and again...I will be alone.

There are days that I feel like I can't breath. When all I want to do is run as fast as I can away from here.

Then I realize that I no longer have anything to run to. And I feel even more desperate and overwhelmed. 

                               

But, please don't read this and feel sorry for me. 

That is the very last thing I want you to gain from this post.

What I want you to see is that I don't have all the answers. I don't even have most of them.

I want you to see that there are times....many times....that I don't handle things well.

But the biggest thing that I would like for you to see is that I believe most of us have times like this and we HAVE to grab on to something. Times when we have to take life one tiny step at a time because anything bigger than that overwhelms us.

Times when the voices of our flesh and the enemy seem to drown out the voice of Truth.

                                  

We are drowning and we have to cling to something. We have to grab hold of SOMETHING or we will succumb to the darkness.

And I choose...it is definitely a choice...to grab on to Truth even when I can't see it or hear it. 

When because of my circumstance it seems to be far away. 
I do this because despite how it seems at the moment, I know God to be faithful.

I don't necessarily feel it. At times I definitely can't see it.

But isn't that what faith is? Faith is ...confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

So I grab on to the anchor of the Word and to God's promises. 

And as I ride the tumultuous waves that my circumstances have me in at the moment, that is the only thing that keeps me from drowning.



                                                





2 Corinthians 4:18
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Psalm 30:5
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning

Proverbs 18:10
The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.

James 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Psalm 34:17
When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

A Month Of Crazy!!

You ever have something that you know you need to do but you don't really know how? Well, that is my blog post today!!

I know I need to write, but at this very moment I have no idea about what!!  :)

So I'm going to start writing and see where we go!

The past month has been a bit crazy. We were super happy to have the privilege of going to the Wind River Reservation to see our friends in Wyoming again. Something extra special about this year was that we were able to spend the whole trip with some of our Hayward peeps!!  Cuz we are now Hayward peeps! :)

I also was super excited for the opportunity to help take a fantastic group of teens and young adults to Missouri to the Warrior Leadership Summit. I just adored being able to spend so much time with them. Poor kids (and other adults) had to be locked in a van with me for about 12 hours each way!!

It's soooo much more fun to talk when people listen (even if it is because they are trapped in the van with ya!).

Anyways....It has been such a busy month, but I have also learned so much.

Much about people, much about myself, and much about Jesus. :)

I've learned that people are all more or less the same.

We all want to be heard.
We all want to be loved.
And we all need hope.

About myself I have learned that I am a big chicken. 
I don't like change. 
I'm a creature of habit. 

But I've also learned that I am a warrior. 
I am brave. 
And I am able to not just survive, but thrive where I originally thought I would fail.

And what I've learned about Jesus is that He is the answer to it all.

You want to be heard?   He WANTS to listen.
You want to be loved?   He IS love!!
You want hope?             There is NO hope except through Him.

When I am a weak......He uses that to display His strength.
When I have to face change.....He is not only there with me, but He has gone before me to ensure it is the best change for me.
When I get caught in habit.....He will tenderly nudge me when I need to head another direction.

At the times that I am a warrior - It is only by His might and His strength.
At the times that I am brave - It is because He has already won my battle.
And when I thrive at times I was sure I would fail - It is because I allowed Him to come into whatever the situation was and let Him take center stage in my life as opposed to my circumstance.

I am nothing without Him. And I mean this. I don't want to be anything without Him.

I want my life to be completely rooted in Jesus.
And when that is the case then the storms may come and I might be uprooted and replanted....but I know...I KNOW who supplies my strength and nourishes me.

And that, my friend, allows one to just rest, enjoy the breezes, stand amazed at the storms, take on the adventure of being replanted, and just soak in the Son.

Well, I guess I did have something to blog about didn't I??  :)

He is so very faithful.

Canoeing Obstacles

So yesterday was my solo float! I try super hard to go at least once a week and canoe alone to just clear my head, hang out with the Lord, and absorb a bit of God's creation!! Honestly, this is the best stress reliever EVER (followed closely by wood splitting and stacking!)!! 

And it's about wayyyy more than relieving stress, its about being able to take a couple of hours and step out of the day-to-day and be immersed in beauty. 

It's about carving the opportunity to slow down and notice.

And it's about the water!! 

I was a bit surprised at my immense and immediate love of all things RIVER!  But William said that considering my amazement with the ocean, he wasn't. :)

Anyway....back to my story!!

So as I began my journey I was praying and just asking the Lord to clear my head and fill it only with His thoughts and ideas and I pretty quickly figured out what He wanted to teach me.

You see, due to rain that we had recently received, the river was running pretty swiftly and being that it was my first time to float this spot I was surprised at the high and frequent number of obstacles that came up. That was when God began to gently speak into my soul about life...about obstacles.

When canoeing, I make great effort to avoid obstacles and was rapidly becoming distressed at the number of them I saw ahead. I couldn't see it well enough to know which side would be the best to pass by on or how best to handle what was coming. 

I saw just enough to know that it was coming.

That is when the Lord taught me my first lesson regarding obstacles. There was a huge mound of tree branches that I could see down stream and I had no idea how to proceed and like I said, I quickly became distressed. Then He showed me how much I was missing!

I was missing the beauty of where I was at...what I was passing through because I was so caught up in what I "thought" was coming. 

In actuality, once I got there it was pretty easy to steer around.

My second lesson was a good one too. 

Since this was a longer float I had ample time to get to know the water better, and I noticed something. When there are obstacles hidden by water, the surface changes. Sometimes it looks more smooth than the rest, and sometimes more turbulent, but there is usually some slight difference from the surrounding, obstacle free waters. 

Kinda like in life. Some of our obstacles are hidden, but if we look carefully we can see signs. For me, the biggest surface change that indicates trouble is coming is when I neglect to start my day in the Word and in prayer. That is my tell-tale sign.

For others of you it could be trouble sleeping, listening to negative thoughts in your head, etc. But we all have some type of surface change indicator. 

The final lesson He showed me was in perception of the obstacle. You see, by the end of a two-hour float...I had to potty!!  And the sound of the rushing river was making it worse :)

So as I began to become annoyed by the noise God helped me notice something. At the beginning of the float I adored the sound of the water. It was peaceful and calming, but at the end it just caused me misery and pain (that may be a bit dramatic, but you know what I mean!).

But you know what He showed  me? The sound never changed!!  It was just my focus. 

It was the same sound I heard at the end of the trip that I enjoyed at the beginning but instead of focusing on the beauty of the river, I was thinking about my need to go to the bathroom!

And in life when I focus on something other than Jesus, my perception changes. A beautiful journey can become one of annoyance and despair.

At this point I was pretty sure I was done with the obstacle lessons and then BAM!!  I ran smack dab into a tree!!  

I turned a bend, the wind picked up, the current picked up, and there was nothing I could do but hold on and run into the stinking tree!

So now I'm stuck in the tree and I start trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of it and it is in said tree that I was taught one more...fabulous lesson!!

Canoeing isn't so much about avoiding all of the obstacles as it is about staying balanced.

You see, that tree was an unavoidable obstacle. I really see no way that I could have not run into it. But the key came in trying to maintain my balance.

And what a great life lesson that was for me.

Sometimes no matter how much I try to avoid them...obstacles are going to come. 

And there are times when we just have to hold on to the sides of the canoe and run into the tree.

But that doesn't have to destroy my float. If I can allow God to keep my focus on the beauty and His glory...If I will seek Him to keep me in balance...I can overcome the obstacle.

I might be stuck on it for a while, like a giant tree in the river, but by letting Him take over, I can maintain my balance and overcome.

Lessons From the Canoe....

I think I am going to begin this post with a story, so bear with me....

A young girl...okay maybe she is not so young...takes a canoe trip.... 

Alright, you got me.... it's me!! 

Moving on...

This canoe trip is not a long one, but one down a beautiful river in hopes of having some peaceful time to draw closer to the Lord.

So I take the first step and get into the canoe without tipping it over and boy did I feel a sense of relief and accomplishment! Honestly that was my biggest worry!

Now I am ready to begin the peaceful float. The scenery is beautiful, the sun is warm, and the water beautiful.

But I quickly learned something... It's REALLY hard to canoe if it is windy.

It's not long before I reach a turn in the river where I was taken by surprise. The wind whips around  and whoosh!!  My canoe spins! 

Suddenly I am completely turned around and going down the river backwards.

I tried and tried to turn it, but every time I would get seemingly close the wind would spin me again. Luckily for me I had brought my phone to listen to some music, so I texted a friend that I knew had more canoe knowledge than myself and asked for some advice.

Following the advice I was able to get more control and get turned around. But...I was continuously caught by wind and had to repeat the whole turning process a gazillion more times.

I finally made it to the landing area and was able to get out of the canoe without tipping it over!! But boy was it far from the peaceful trip I had anticipated! It was rough :)

After the trip I remembered a scripture that I had read a couple of days before...It is from Psalm 31:21....

Blessed be the Lord,

    for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me

    when I was in a besieged city

I kinda felt like my canoe trip was closer to being in a besieged city than the peaceful float I had hoped for. I looked up the definition for besiege and it is - to surround, overwhelm.

Yuppers...definitely closer to that!!

I started to think about the fact that sometimes we see things differently when we are overwhelmed. Sometimes it's easy to get so focused on the battle that we lose sight of what is all around us and the many ways God is wondrously showing His steadfast love to us!

Like on my canoe trip... I was fighting so hard that for a while I forgot  to take time and behold the beauty of creation that I was passing through!  

It was there all of the time, but I was missing it.

Also, had the wind not tired me out and whipped me around, I would have missed the wondrous view I had of a huge, bald-eagle sitting behind me watching :)

I would have also missed being able to hear! You see, my intent was to use my phone and blare my worship music during the ride, but I can't concentrate well when I have music playing. Thus when the wind sent my trip in a different direction, I took out my earbuds. What I was blessed to hear was silence!!

And it was also because of that silence that I was then able to hear the rustling of the brush and see a huge deer hiding and watching! :)

All of this was just a great encouragement for me and a reminder....that when I am in a city or stage of life where I am being besieged or overwhelmed I need to remember that sometimes that is the best time and way for me to see God's wondrous, steadfast love.

A reminder to slow down and look at what I am passing through and to see the beauty.

A reminder to allow myself to be turned around and see where I am coming from...not just where I am headed.

A reminder that sometimes I need to take out the earbuds and listen to God in the silence.

A reminder that sometimes the way He wants to love on us with a wondrous, steadfast love is through our being in a city under siege.