I hate the way that the only time I write lately is when I am struggling with something, but...here I am again.
I wrote that first sentence about a month ago but I just couldn't bring myself to finish writing. I am going to try again, because I think writing helps me process through all of the feelings and thoughts that I have.
When I began writing this a month ago I was ready to quit. To be honest I was still ready to quit this time last week.
I love being here.
I love working with teens (honestly I get to be a part of the lives of some of the best, bravest, smartest, most incredible teens on the planet).
But I am tired.
I find it difficult to sleep at night and I think that magnifies everything. My patience seems to be softer than normal and my heart harder. My acts of kindness more quiet and my mouth more loud.
I have been having trouble finding the energy physically, emotionally, and spiritually to fight through each day.
Last week, especially, I was just at the end of what I felt I could handle.
I was doing what we are told to do. I was praying, reading my Bible, and asking others for help. Nothing seemed to work and last week I was really just ready to choose "easy" over "right."
Ready to choose my definition of "good" as opposed to God's.
Then I was thrown a life preserver.
It first came in the form of a phone conversation with a friend. I really wasn't a good conversationalist, but just hearing her voice and her words were like fresh water being poured into a dry soul.
Then it was followed by a visit from a family that I love very much. I wasn't great company while they were here, but their acts of service towards my family and the time they spent just being with me was like additional water being poured in.
Then I read Luke 8, especially verses 22-25...
22 One day Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” So they got into a boat and started out. 23 As they sailed across, Jesus settled down for a nap. But soon a fierce storm came down on the lake. The boat was filling with water, and they were in real danger.
24 The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!”
When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and the raging waves. Suddenly the storm stopped and all was calm. 25 Then he asked them, “Where is your faith?”
The disciples were terrified and amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “When he gives a command, even the wind and waves obey him!”...and something started to bother me.
When something I read starts to bother me I have a hard time just turning it off or moving past it, so it kept nagging at me.
You see, I couldn't understand why Jesus would essentially scold the disciples for waking him up due to the storm. So I read it in the other gospels to see if maybe I was misunderstanding, but I wasn't.
Jesus reprimanded his disciples for their lack of faith.
Why this bothered me so much is that in the stories of miracles before and after that Jesus praised people's faith when they called out to him for help.
Why did He not in this instance?
As I tell you frequently, I am not a Bible scholar in any way, shape, or form, but this is what I think.
His disciples KNEW Him. They knew what He was capable of.
He had healed, and he had taught,
He had loved, and He had disciplined.
He had served, and He had claimed authority.
They KNEW Him.
Maybe, just maybe, He wanted something different from them. Maybe instead of fighting against the storm He wanted them to lie down in the boat with Him and take a nap.
Maybe He wanted them to remember what they KNEW of Him.
REMEMBER
....Who He was
....What He was capable of
....And mostly....what authority He had
And lay down in the middle of the storm and get the rest they needed.
And maybe that is what He wants of me.
He has given me a life preserver in my storm, but I am still in the middle of it.
It seems as of now my only choices are to run away, walk away deliberately being disobedient, or to stay in the storm.
Could it be that staying in the storm requires less fighting and more remembering.
REMEMBERING...
...Who He is.
...What He is capable of.
...What authority He has.
Maybe all of my fighting against the storm is what is tiring me so much, when really what I am being asked to do is to lay down in the boat and rest even while the storm is raging?
Maybe it is less about trying to cling on to my life preserver but more about being willing to let it go?
Those things that I keep doing that I keep thinking are going to calm the storm, such as praying, and reading the Bible, and asking for help...maybe instead of being a way to calm the storm those things are meant to help me remember during the storm so I can rest.
And I want to rest because I am so tired.
So.... if staying in the storm is where I need to be in order to learn how to rest in Him, then I think in the storm is where I am going to stay.
So be it.
