How To Do Wrong Well....

Sometimes I worry that my blog posts are too depressing!

I guess the reason that they seem to be that way is that when I first entered this journey of not feeling myself I thought I was all alone. I REALLY believed that doing the "right" things (what was right in my mind) would fix everything. And when it didn't I felt more alone and like I was somehow not only failing myself, but failing my friends and family, and failing God.

So I write a lot about what I have gone through and am going through because my guess is....and the response to my posts affirms it...there are more people out there that feel that way.

It is just so easy for us to see people and assume that things are great when on the inside things are not.

And I have found that when the people around me believe that I am doing great, I will start to believe it too and slowly my life turns into this fake mess.

I'm not a fan of fake.
I'm too tired for it and my brain doesn't function fast enough to keep up with it.

I have so many great things in my life.

A husband that loves me.

Four daughters that are healthy and love me.

I have friends not just here in Wisconsin, but in Texas, Minnesota, and even South Dakota that love me.

I have this group of teens that I get to spend a lot of time with that, even though they tease me about my cooking and my driving...they love me too.

But I guess I am starting to see that it can be great on the inside of me even when things are not so great on the outside.

I can look back and see that this was and still is a long, painful journey. If I had not had people in my life speaking truth to me, loving the real me, encouraging me, and calling me out when needed, I am not sure the outcome would have been the same.

So to be frank with you, I screw up. I screw up a lot.

Some of it you can see...like when I burn dinner or stump my toe and let out a swear word.

Some of it you don't...like all of the swear words that come out in my head, or when I am jealous of the guy I work with because he never seems to screw up as bad as I do and can make a "natural" pond look natural.

Some of it is hidden even more...like the struggles I have with pride, and fear, and wanting people to like me.

I do a lot of wrong. And I am pretty sure that I will continue to do a lot of wrong.

But what I want, is to do "wrong" well.

I know it sounds crazy!!  Right??!!  But screwing up is a part of my life, and one that isn't really going anywhere this side of heaven. So I want to do it well.

First is, I want my wrong out in the light. I have seen and know personally the dangers of keeping our wrongs in the dark. And I know that if it is out in the light the darkness can never overcome it.

Second, I want my wrong to show who Jesus is. The Bible tells me that through my weaknesses His power is most revealed. I have a lot of opportunity for Him to reveal His power :)

Third, I want to share it and encourage others to do the same. I might strive to come across all put together and such, but what does that accomplish? Usually at the most I just make someone else feel like they are less than because they can't keep it together.

So let's just get this out in the open...none of us can. Keeping it together is about as unreal as I can get. And it is not my purpose.

My purpose is to be broken and messy so that His power can be seen.
My purpose is to be poured out to others so that His love is known.

How many years I have spend stressing and working not so you could see Him through me, but so you could see me.

And I'm just done with it.

Now I want to do it.... wrong...broken...shattered...well, so you and I both, can see Him.

As for me...I see Him. I know He is here and I am closer to Him in my mess than I ever was in my togetherness.

So while I will continue to strive to make better choices and reflect Jesus more in the good parts of me, I will not shy away from my messes.

His grace is sufficient for me. His power works best in my weakness. So I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Love,
Your messy friend Kristi

When God Closes a Door Sometimes He Locks It

It was locked.

And it was stuffy.

The kind of stuffy that makes you feel like you might not be able to pull in a breath of enough fresh air to fill the intense longing of your lungs. But you do.

But there isn’t much relief in the successful breath because you know you will have to soon breathe again.

And relief is something that doesn’t seem to be in abundance in the stuffy room

This is how I have felt the last few years.

I believe that numerous things brought me to that point, but that’s for another day.

Today I want to talk about that room. That horrible, stuffy room.

I was in a time of my life where I felt very lost, confused, afraid, and lonely. I really struggled with knowing who I was. I felt unworthy, unlovable, incapable, and overwhelmed with just trying to get through each day.

During this time, we had several stressful events occur in our family such as a major move, a change of direction in the way our family functioned, and two daughters leave home for college. 

Not only was I struggling, but several of my children were deeply embattled in struggles of their own.

All of this going on around me seemed to make my room even stuffier.

But on the outside…oh how good I looked.

Everyone was amazed at the faithfulness and bravery I showed in some of our life changes. They said they found it inspiring and amazing.

On the inside I was a muddy, mucky, crumbling mess. Just taking each step forward not necessarily because I wanted to, but because it was what the Creator asked of me.

I didn’t go down without a fight. I fought, and I fought hard. I knew how to fight it, and I did.

I started with the door…trying to get out of that horrible space.

I pushed and pulled on that freaking door until my hands and fingers cramped. I knocked, banged and yelled until I lost my voice and was absolutely convinced that no one would open it for me. I manipulated what I believed to be the lock and handle until I was afraid it would break off in my hand.

I pushed on every inch of wall from floor to ceiling trying to find an escape.

Then I became resigned. Resigned to the fact that most likely I was never going to leave this room. 

So I started to figure out how I was going to make it work for me. Was there a way I could jazz it up a bit to help make it more tolerable?

I tried many different things.

I started with trying to be around people a lot. And I mean a really, REALLY lot. I thought that having someone to talk to would be good. And it was…for a time.

Then I started to work. I got to the point where I couldn’t sit still for more than 10 minutes. I had to be working or going. This helped for a pretty good while, but then I found myself overwhelmed with all of it and I felt like that almost did me in.

Then I withdrew from people. I figured I was in such a yucky space that they would probably be better off not having me around.

All the while I was still trying to fight through this with my faith. I really thought that this would “fix” everything quickly. I spent hours studying, reading and crying out in prayer.

Sometimes it would help a little, but not in the way I expected. But…I know my Creator. And I trust Him, so I kept fighting.

One morning after what felt like the millionth night of no sleep, I started to feel desperate.

Desperate that I would have to work this hard to breath for the rest of my life.

Desperate that I would have to continue under the weight of the loneliness I felt while trapped in this stupid room.

Now, keep in mind that on the outside I could still look pretty “together” and “good.”

But I wasn’t. Not even a little bit.

Eventually I reached a point that I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff and I had a choice. Keep fighting with the understanding that I could be in this stuffy, awful room a really long time, or give up and step off the cliff.

In that choice I KNEW that my Creator was asking me to keep fighting and to trust Him…even if it meant I would live the rest of my life in that room.

I was exhausted, broken into a thousand pieces, desperate yet resigned, hurting, and just really, really tired of fighting.

But my Creator God has told me that in him I will find peace.

In Him I will find joy.

In Him I will find safety.

He also told me that no matter what it looks like on the outside, if I give it to Him, He will use it in a way that is good for me….but it is going to be His kind of good that He sees fit, not necessarily mine.

What He didn’t tell me is that I would find an unlocked door or an open window.

I chose to not step off the cliff, though every inch of my being wanted to. And you know what??!! 

Nothing.

Nothing really changed in the way I felt, I was still hurting and tired. But I trusted that whenever and however this ended, if it even ended this side of Heaven, ….if I stayed fighting to go down and stay on the path He sat before me, even if I sometimes screwed up…. it would be good.

And that is where I have been for what feels like a really, REALLY long time.

But the other day something happened.

I had a day that felt “normal.” Then a few days later I had another one.

It has been so long that I didn’t even recognize it at first.

I began to not have to work so hard to breath. Sleep started to come a little easier.

I had an easier time being around people and also being away from them.

I could step away from working for a bit and I was okay.

Last month I found myself feeling excited about Christmas again for the first time in a really long time.

I’m not sure if the door to my room is unlocked or not yet. I don’t really try and open it much any more.

Not because I don’t want out…I very much want out and want to leave the room.

But I have found that being in here has strengthened my trust in my Creator God and to be honest, in looking back I think I could tell you that staying in this locked room has been worth it.

What I am beginning to learn is that the peace and joy that God offers me can still be found while I am locked in this room hurting, broken and sad. My peace comes from Him, not from my room, or the stuffy air, or even the fresh air, or the open door.

And one day I have complete faith that I will look up and that door will be open. I am not sure if it opens up and I walk out into the fresh air of the familiar world I was in before I entered this room, or if I will walk out into the heavenly world that is waiting for me after this life.

But I will walk out.

And for now, while I stay in this difficult season of my life, I will count myself blessed.

Not because my circumstances don’t suck sometimes….because they do.

But even when they do suck I have peace, joy, safety, and love.

And I have Him.

I guess I am telling you about all of this because you might be in a similar, stuffy room right now.

You might be frustrated that you are not feeling better.

You might be tempted to stop fighting.

You might be tempted to step off the cliff.

You are not alone. And I encourage you to fight and to focus on Him instead of the room.

I can't tell you that if you do that you will be able to step out of the struggle, but I can tell you that He is in the struggle with you.

And if you focus on Him, you will be able to not just survive, but count yourself blessed.