How To Do Wrong Well....

Sometimes I worry that my blog posts are too depressing!

I guess the reason that they seem to be that way is that when I first entered this journey of not feeling myself I thought I was all alone. I REALLY believed that doing the "right" things (what was right in my mind) would fix everything. And when it didn't I felt more alone and like I was somehow not only failing myself, but failing my friends and family, and failing God.

So I write a lot about what I have gone through and am going through because my guess is....and the response to my posts affirms it...there are more people out there that feel that way.

It is just so easy for us to see people and assume that things are great when on the inside things are not.

And I have found that when the people around me believe that I am doing great, I will start to believe it too and slowly my life turns into this fake mess.

I'm not a fan of fake.
I'm too tired for it and my brain doesn't function fast enough to keep up with it.

I have so many great things in my life.

A husband that loves me.

Four daughters that are healthy and love me.

I have friends not just here in Wisconsin, but in Texas, Minnesota, and even South Dakota that love me.

I have this group of teens that I get to spend a lot of time with that, even though they tease me about my cooking and my driving...they love me too.

But I guess I am starting to see that it can be great on the inside of me even when things are not so great on the outside.

I can look back and see that this was and still is a long, painful journey. If I had not had people in my life speaking truth to me, loving the real me, encouraging me, and calling me out when needed, I am not sure the outcome would have been the same.

So to be frank with you, I screw up. I screw up a lot.

Some of it you can see...like when I burn dinner or stump my toe and let out a swear word.

Some of it you don't...like all of the swear words that come out in my head, or when I am jealous of the guy I work with because he never seems to screw up as bad as I do and can make a "natural" pond look natural.

Some of it is hidden even more...like the struggles I have with pride, and fear, and wanting people to like me.

I do a lot of wrong. And I am pretty sure that I will continue to do a lot of wrong.

But what I want, is to do "wrong" well.

I know it sounds crazy!!  Right??!!  But screwing up is a part of my life, and one that isn't really going anywhere this side of heaven. So I want to do it well.

First is, I want my wrong out in the light. I have seen and know personally the dangers of keeping our wrongs in the dark. And I know that if it is out in the light the darkness can never overcome it.

Second, I want my wrong to show who Jesus is. The Bible tells me that through my weaknesses His power is most revealed. I have a lot of opportunity for Him to reveal His power :)

Third, I want to share it and encourage others to do the same. I might strive to come across all put together and such, but what does that accomplish? Usually at the most I just make someone else feel like they are less than because they can't keep it together.

So let's just get this out in the open...none of us can. Keeping it together is about as unreal as I can get. And it is not my purpose.

My purpose is to be broken and messy so that His power can be seen.
My purpose is to be poured out to others so that His love is known.

How many years I have spend stressing and working not so you could see Him through me, but so you could see me.

And I'm just done with it.

Now I want to do it.... wrong...broken...shattered...well, so you and I both, can see Him.

As for me...I see Him. I know He is here and I am closer to Him in my mess than I ever was in my togetherness.

So while I will continue to strive to make better choices and reflect Jesus more in the good parts of me, I will not shy away from my messes.

His grace is sufficient for me. His power works best in my weakness. So I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Love,
Your messy friend Kristi