During the past three weeks I have found myself spending most of my time either in tears or terribly angry over irrelevant things. My soul has felt like it was crushing in and some days even just breathing hurt.
The Lord told me early on in this time to get up early and spend more time with Him. So I did.
Frankly, I thought that by doing so I would start to feel better quickly, but I did not. Instead, it got worse.
I wish that I had the words to describe how I have been feeling, but the only thing I can come up with is suffocating and crushing deep in my spirit. I have no idea where it came from, but I quickly figured out that it was not going to leave anytime soon.
As time went on I started to feel a bit angry with God. I was spending hours in His Word and in prayer but I could not shake whatever was going on. I confessed everything I could remember to confess and I prayed that if I was forgetting something He would remind me. The oppression continued and I started to notice that it was really affecting others in my family. Almost like it was spreading....like a virus.
The only advice I had to offer them was spend as much time as possible in the Word and with the Lord. I did not really feel like it was helping me much, but I could only hang on to what I know, and that is that God is faithful.
Again, I have no words to adequately explain the depths of how I was feeling and the fear that began to settle in that this might become my life. Then the Lord began to whisper....
The first thing He did was to confirm that I WAS walking in His will. Though I felt like I was wandering lost in the wilderness, I was exactly where He had called me to.
The second was that He showed me that the hours daily spent in His Word and in prayer were not to instantly "fix" what was going on, but it was to get me THROUGH what was going on. It was going to hurt, refinement usually does, but I would not be overcome by it.
I would love to tell you that this has given me unbelievable peace and joy during my journey, but that would be a lie. I wanted it to, but I just could not embrace that. But what it did do is that it helped me keep my focus a little more on the Lord and a little less on what I was feeling. Not a huge difference, but more of a shift.
I have been reading a book during this time called "Desiring God - Meditations of a Christian Hedonist" by John Piper and I was reading a section about finding joy in suffering. In it he says, "The joy came from the thought that their faith was regarded by God as real and ready to be proved in the fire of affliction." That brought me to Romans 5:3-4 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
It was there that I found my path to joy! God had considered my faith ready! I did not enjoy how it was playing out and I certainly found no joy at all in my circumstance and the way I was feeling, but I COULD find joy in the fact that my faith was ready...I was ready for refinement.
This has honestly been the most difficult three and a half weeks of my life. I have felt things that I had no concept of before. I have thought things that I would have rather never crossed my mind.
I wish that I could say I feel all the way back to my normal "Kristi" self, but I don't. I can tell you that my time in the Word and in prayer has started to help me so much that in addition to the hours in the morning I have added many stops with Him and His Word throughout my day and I am finding so much strength in that.
Our family is undergoing some really big changes right now. Changes in our life pathway, our ministry vision, where we live, even changes with two of our girls going off to college.
But the most exciting thing is that God is changing our hearts and our focus and I am realizing that many times that is painful and uncomfortable but in the end, I know that God is faithful and that we should "Be strong and of good courage: do not be afraid nor be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
When I started this blog post I told you that I thought I had not been in a good place lately, but through it, the Lord has shown me that I am in the perfect place....and His grace is sufficient.
