Drowning

I was thinking yesterday about something someone said to me. They remarked how well I handled things based on my blog posts.

I don't remember what my outer response was, but I know on the inside I laughed. I laughed because I totally stink at handling most any situation that goes against the way I think or want it to go. :)

So I thought that maybe it might be helpful to myself, and maybe to someone who reads this, to blog about something that I am in the middle of. 

At the time when I don't have answers.

A time when I have no idea how to handle life.

That time is now.

Our move to Wisconsin has been a wonderful one. 
We knew that we were called here. 
We had a couple of friends here before arriving.
It is beautiful here.

Our move to Wisconsin has also been a trying one.
Being here without William for extended periods of time.
Leaving my huge support system in Texas.
Broken family relationships.
It is difficult here.

Right now I am in a time that frankly I feel so desperate, so lonely, so discarded, and so lost. 

William has had to go back to Texas for work for an extended period of time and that scares me. 

It scares me because there are so many things that I don't know how to do....like change the flat tire that I got yesterday.

It scares me because I don't process or handle stress very well without his support and I feel sooo stressed. 
So stressed, and I don't know what to do with the way I feel.

It scares me because parenting alone here is hard. 
I have no backup. 
No one to tell me that it's going to be okay. 
No one to help give me a break on those days when I just need to be alone and have some time.

And it scares me because I am fearful of people leaving me now. 

I think when you experience people choosing to step out of your life...people that you thought would always be there...it makes it so hard to trust the support of others. Even those that deserve your trust.

I have a support system here, thank the Lord, but it is small. And I feel like I am constantly asking too much of them. 

Also, in the back of my mind I greatly fear that they will grow tired of me, or possibly see how flawed I am, and step out of my life. Then I will truly be all alone here. 

                             

I have trouble being still. 
I have trouble just sitting in our home.

Part of that, I think, is that I don't want to deal with some of the feelings I have.

Another is that I'm afraid if I stop "doing," then people won't "want" me here, and they will discard me, and again...I will be alone.

There are days that I feel like I can't breath. When all I want to do is run as fast as I can away from here.

Then I realize that I no longer have anything to run to. And I feel even more desperate and overwhelmed. 

                               

But, please don't read this and feel sorry for me. 

That is the very last thing I want you to gain from this post.

What I want you to see is that I don't have all the answers. I don't even have most of them.

I want you to see that there are times....many times....that I don't handle things well.

But the biggest thing that I would like for you to see is that I believe most of us have times like this and we HAVE to grab on to something. Times when we have to take life one tiny step at a time because anything bigger than that overwhelms us.

Times when the voices of our flesh and the enemy seem to drown out the voice of Truth.

                                  

We are drowning and we have to cling to something. We have to grab hold of SOMETHING or we will succumb to the darkness.

And I choose...it is definitely a choice...to grab on to Truth even when I can't see it or hear it. 

When because of my circumstance it seems to be far away. 
I do this because despite how it seems at the moment, I know God to be faithful.

I don't necessarily feel it. At times I definitely can't see it.

But isn't that what faith is? Faith is ...confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

So I grab on to the anchor of the Word and to God's promises. 

And as I ride the tumultuous waves that my circumstances have me in at the moment, that is the only thing that keeps me from drowning.



                                                





2 Corinthians 4:18
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Psalm 30:5
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning

Proverbs 18:10
The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.

James 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Psalm 34:17
When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

A Month Of Crazy!!

You ever have something that you know you need to do but you don't really know how? Well, that is my blog post today!!

I know I need to write, but at this very moment I have no idea about what!!  :)

So I'm going to start writing and see where we go!

The past month has been a bit crazy. We were super happy to have the privilege of going to the Wind River Reservation to see our friends in Wyoming again. Something extra special about this year was that we were able to spend the whole trip with some of our Hayward peeps!!  Cuz we are now Hayward peeps! :)

I also was super excited for the opportunity to help take a fantastic group of teens and young adults to Missouri to the Warrior Leadership Summit. I just adored being able to spend so much time with them. Poor kids (and other adults) had to be locked in a van with me for about 12 hours each way!!

It's soooo much more fun to talk when people listen (even if it is because they are trapped in the van with ya!).

Anyways....It has been such a busy month, but I have also learned so much.

Much about people, much about myself, and much about Jesus. :)

I've learned that people are all more or less the same.

We all want to be heard.
We all want to be loved.
And we all need hope.

About myself I have learned that I am a big chicken. 
I don't like change. 
I'm a creature of habit. 

But I've also learned that I am a warrior. 
I am brave. 
And I am able to not just survive, but thrive where I originally thought I would fail.

And what I've learned about Jesus is that He is the answer to it all.

You want to be heard?   He WANTS to listen.
You want to be loved?   He IS love!!
You want hope?             There is NO hope except through Him.

When I am a weak......He uses that to display His strength.
When I have to face change.....He is not only there with me, but He has gone before me to ensure it is the best change for me.
When I get caught in habit.....He will tenderly nudge me when I need to head another direction.

At the times that I am a warrior - It is only by His might and His strength.
At the times that I am brave - It is because He has already won my battle.
And when I thrive at times I was sure I would fail - It is because I allowed Him to come into whatever the situation was and let Him take center stage in my life as opposed to my circumstance.

I am nothing without Him. And I mean this. I don't want to be anything without Him.

I want my life to be completely rooted in Jesus.
And when that is the case then the storms may come and I might be uprooted and replanted....but I know...I KNOW who supplies my strength and nourishes me.

And that, my friend, allows one to just rest, enjoy the breezes, stand amazed at the storms, take on the adventure of being replanted, and just soak in the Son.

Well, I guess I did have something to blog about didn't I??  :)

He is so very faithful.