In Control???

Drats! It is another one of those mornings where I know I need to write but I don't know what to say!

The past few weeks have been difficult. Especially this past one.

I don't really know why, but I sure wish I did so I could fix it.

Every insecurity I have seems to be welling up all at one time. People say things that I am taking waaaayyyyy out of context and I am becoming hurt by words that most likely were never intended to wound.

My patience is just about nonexistent. And my need to cocoon and protect myself has been proving overwhelming.

I went to my ladies small group on Wednesday that I really enjoy going to and I had to duck out early because I was afraid I would start sobbing.

I had to cancel an appointment with the eye doctor that I have been excitedly waiting on for about 2 months because once I pulled into the parking lot I was crying so hard that I couldn't stop and compose myself enough to walk in. 

If you have been unlucky enough to encounter me this week, I most likely bit your head off. 

Why? I really don't have a good idea. But like I said earlier, I sure wish I did!

I am pretty sure that most of us have times like this. Times we feel so overwhelmed with life that we feel like we can't face anyone. Times that we feel so very wounded and broken that we can't imagine ever feeling whole again.

I was reading in 2 Corinthians earlier today, chapter 3 and a few things brought me some encouragement and hope. 

The first is that our confidence is not found in our own knowledge, insight, etc. Our confidence and sufficiency is from God (vs 4-6).

One of my insecurities is that I feel like I don't know what I am doing. I feel like I lack experience and training. But this verse reminds me that really I just need to know from where my confidence comes and it isn't from anything I can do.

Another insecurity is that my past and current mistakes might cause people I care about to reject me. But in verses 16-18 I am reminded that unveiling my face....not hiding my flaws and my mistakes past or present, but exposing them...allows others to see the glory and work in my life of a God that I adore. 

I was listening to a song this morning called "Oh My Soul" by Casting Crowns. There is one part that particularly got me to thinking this morning....

I'm not strong enough
I can't take anymore
You can lay it down
You can lay it down
And my shipwrecked faith
Will never get me to shore
You can lay it down
You can lay it down
Can He find me here?
Can He keep me from going under?

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way
Let Him show you how
You can lay this down
'cause you're not alone

Psalm 55:22...Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

So the question that I am asking myself this morning is will I give it to Him?

Or do I desire to control my life so much so that I would rather stay in my yuckiness just for that feeling of control?

Do we ...do I... trust Him enough to "lay it down"? 
What does it look like to "lay it down"?

Isaiah 12:24...The Lord of hosts has sworn: “As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand,

I think it looks like this...walking through my life remembering that God isn't the horse poop guy coming behind me picking up all my crap.

And He isn't the fairy godfather that is beside me to throw out pebbles when I start walking through sinking sand.

No, He is the Lord of hosts that is not only with me, but has gone before me wherever my path takes me.
Whether it feels like sinking sand, nasty mud...
Whether feels like the ocean waves are drowning me...

I will trust that His purposes and His plan is better, kinder, more loving, and more secure than it might EVER feel to me.

I will remind my feelings....Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:5


And I believe that it is in making that choice that I "lay it down."