Dear Me,
You did good. You researched all of the methods, you read all of the books, and you followed all of the advice.
You held them when they cried, disciplined with a stern yet loving hand.
Read to them... and sat with them while they read.
Church twice a week, daily time learning the Word together.
You color coordinated everything they owned. Spent hours learning how to home school them.
Made sure they went to the dentist every 6 months without fail.
Yearly physicals with the best pediatrician.
You sang to them while they slept.
Bathed them nightly..washing behind the ears.
No television. Only inspirational music.
As they blossomed into teenagers you didn't have to deal much with rebellion because you had done it all right...or so you thought.
Everyone around you looked up to you as a family and as a parent. Your words of advice were listened to. You spoke at parenting and home schooling conferences.
You had it all together.
Except you didn't.
You see...younger me...you were up many night's worrying about which system to use.
When you couldn't find the right color of scissors to go with the color system, you stressed out and snapped at those girls you said you were doing it all for.
Church weekly...that was a good thing...but did you do it for God or more for yourself? Because when I think back to the stress that went into making sure everyone dressed "nice" enough and behaved "well" enough...well, I tend to think it was more for yourself...for our-self.
The home school methods...they were good too. But how many times did you quietly judge your brother's and sister's because they did it a different way?
How many times did you shelter those sweet girls not because it was the right thing to do, but because you wanted to feel in control?
The singing, the baths, the doctor's appointments...they were all good as well.
But oh, younger self, how you worried.
How you fretted.
And let me just tell you what has happened....
That control you thought you had because you did everything "right." Well, it's gone.
To be more accurate...it was never there.
The pats on the back that you gave yourself because of your "good" and "easy" teens...it was an illusion on the stage of your life.
You see, those "perfect" kids you are working so hard to raise...they are human... just like you. And one day you will realize that no matter how good your systems and chore charts are, they are going to screw up.
They are going to make choices that you don't agree with.
They are going to have times of self loathing no matter how great you tell them they are and no matter how many activities you put them in where they all get trophies.
Younger self, I just wish you could have known that the best choices don't guarantee the best outcomes.
Sometimes God has different plans and sometimes your kids go down different paths.
Sometimes those paths are of disobedience and sometimes they are just rougher paths than you would like to see you kids take.
Sometimes they will cut themselves to relieve a pain that you don't understand.
Sometimes they will try to cut their lives short for reasons you can't fathom.
There could be times where they make choices that please you and times where their choices are the complete opposite of what is good.
But what I wish you could understand is that all of that time you spend trying to arrange things in your life and in their lives could be spent in better ways.
First is teach them who Jesus is and how much He loves them through daily times when you read the Bible...but remember that the way they learn character most is by watching you. And not just the you that makes the good choices, but the you that makes bad choices.
Don't be afraid to share that with them when appropriate.
Second is to teach them to love the church. Oh Kristi, how many times you had them in tears in the car because you stressed so much about how they looked or if we were going to be late!
Attendance on it's own is not what teaches them a love for the church. In fact attendance under those conditions might actually do the opposite.
Teach them to love the church by allowing the church to love them in different ways and to love you in different ways. Don't keep thinking you have to always appear perfect.
Ask the church for help when you need it and let your sweet children see that.
Third is give them the gift of a good, Godly marriage. Not taking the time to nurture and grow your relationship with that studly guy you married is a really, REALLY bad idea.
Next, give them time. Time with you. Stop yourself from thinking that you have to do everything because that gives you the control of securing a certain outcome for them. Because it doesn't.
Finally, teach them to love others. Travel far and often so that they can experience people outside of their normal, daily sphere. Watch your mouth. What you say doesn't always go in one ear and out the other.
... your best will NEVER be good enough to ensure the outcome you hope for. There are no guarantees.
...Teach your children to love the church by loving the Church yourself. This will require you to be honest and sometimes vulnerable with other people...and with yourself. This will also require you to be very careful what you say about your brothers and sisters in Christ within your home.
...A love and care for your spouse is one of the best gifts you can give them. Sometimes that will suck because you might be angry, sad, or frankly just selfish, but love him, and love him well.
...Be faithful to them. No matter their choices, be a person that they can come back to. Someone they can talk to. Show them who God is by mirroring His faithfulness.
...Laugh. Laugh long, hard, and often.
...You can read, study, and talk with and to them until you are blue in the face. But if you want them to know Jesus...and I mean really KNOW Jesus...He needs to be the absolute most important thing in your life.
Let them see you screw up and repent. Discuss with them your weaknesses because the Bible tells us that is where He glory shines. Allow them to question what they are taught so that they experience their own relationship with Him and are able to own their faith.
...Follow Jesus regardless of the cost...and sometimes the cost is very high.
Dear Me....you are not a perfect parent. When you first read this you might feel angry. That could be because you like control and the loss of it scares you.
Younger me, you might feel like this is folly...but I beg you to at least consider that the additional time and experience I have could possibly bring a smidgen of wisdom that you haven't obtained yet.
You might feel sad and scared at the thought that you might not be in control of your beautiful daughters' lives. This is to be expected because you love them oh so much.
But let me tell you something...you have NEVER had the control you thought you did. But you know someone who has laid their path down just as He has laid yours down.
And He doesn't mess up like you do.
So run. Run as hard and as fast as you can toward Him and chances are one day you will look back and those girlies will be following you.
But if they are not, this I can absolutely guarantee you...
He will be running towards them. No matter which direction they head, He will be there. And they will never be able to hide from Him.
They will never be alone.
Your very best is nothing without Him.
And your very worst is nothing He can't make into something good.
And that control you think you have isn't real.
So younger me, rest in that.
Shut your eyes tonight and rest because no matter your planning, worrying, or teaching, they are His.
And so are you.
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