I Am Scared

  
Good morning! :)

Before you read this I want to give you a little information. 

You see, I wrote this in my journal on September 10 of this year. It was a very raw, heart wrenching entry for me to write, but one that needed to be written and worked through.  

Written by me...and worked through by God.

I need you to read this and know something...God is so very tender and good. He is working this out in my life and the way and timing of His doing so is nothing short of amazing.

An amazing display of His love of me and His goodness towards me.

I need you to know that I am okay. 

I am better than okay, I am loved and cherished by not only my incredible God but by my husband and daughters. And by so very many loving people that God has put in my life here and in Texas.

And God is working this out in my life. How He is doing so is for another day and another post...but I will definitely share the testimony of His glorious work!!

I want to share this because my thought is that I am not the only one that has struggled with this.

So here you go my friends...... 


A few years ago God began to change me. 

He opened my eyes to the world...a world He loved.

He game me a compassionate heart for people...He helped me to see His heart for people.

It took a while before I was willing to step out and respond to this, but when you obtain even the slightest taste of the Father's desire that all people know and come to Him, it becomes a lot harder to stay in that comfortable place that I'd sat in for so long.

You see, in that comfortable place is where I built a need...an indispensable need of...MYSELF...or so I thought.

The day came where I had to make a choice. Stay where I was "needed" or go where I was asked to go.

The place I was "needed" was a good place. I cooked, cleaned, loved, mediated, supported...really I did whatever I could to make myself needed. Because if I'm needed I won't be rejected and I have safety and security.

Safety and security feel good.

The place I was asked to go was an unknown place. It was still a place where I cooked, cleaned, loved, mediated, and supported. But I did so knowing that I was NOT indispensable.

I was replaceable.

Thank the Lord that I didn't realize that until I got there because I think I would have chosen to stay "needed."

Unfortunately just because you are asked to do a task doesn't mean that the task will be easy. And when the road gets bumpy, I desperately flail my arms to grab on to what I feel is safe, and that is to be needed.

As I do the tasks I was chosen to do I am quick to realize my despensability.

Anyone can cook, clean, drive a van, plan a trip.

So as I flail to find safety, everything I grab on to sinks. I can't seem to make myself "needed" so I commit to more and more in a desperate attempt to find security.

I grab for security through friendship and things continue to sink. No "needy" friends to be found, though God blesses me with stable ones.

I pour everything I have materially, emotionally, and spiritually into the task I was asked to do.

That sounds like a good thing, but when we pour too fast and when we pour into the cup of security as opposed to the cup of God's glory, we eventually run out.

And that is where I am at.

Empty.
Dried out.
Desperate for something safe and secure.

So I begin to wonder, maybe there is something to learn through and in this. Maybe the God of the universe did not just throw me into an ocean of insecurity to watch me sputter and gasp...maybe I have something to take from it.

Something to grow.

Maybe, just maybe I am looking for security in the wrong place. Maybe I am grabbing the wrong things.

I am beginning to think that I need to face my insecurity and feelings of being unsafe if I ever want to find true, sound security.

I have to stop running away before I can run to Him.

I have to let go of sinking securities so I can reach out my hand to true security.

But it's hard to let go of even a false sense of security when you are so very afraid of drowning.

And maybe admitting how scared I am is the first step in prying my fingers off of the sinking log I've become so attached to.