I Remember....

The other morning I was praying through Psalm 77. 

In the first 9 verses the author writes about a desperate time in his life. 
He is crying out to God but he feels like he is not being heard. 
He is seeking the Lord, but is not being comforted.

I have felt like that before, and I bet you have too! 

I cry out over and over for God to send me strength, or peace in a particular situation and I feel like it falls on deaf ears. 

Sometimes I wonder if God is angry with me...maybe I somehow did something that made Him mad. 
Worse yet is the worry that He is just ignoring me.

But then I come to verse 11.
"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds."

What fantastic wisdom I find in these verses! 

Dwell on what I know!!  
Dwell on what God has done!!

Remind myself of the power God has shown in my life, the redemption! 

Remember the great deeds He has done along the paths that He has already led me on.
The mountains He has moved.
The seas He has parted!

Then, when remembering His power, I can't help but begin to remember His patience and faithfulness during those times. 

The times I rebelled against Him.
The times I dug my heels into the ground not wanting to go where He was leading.
The times I doubted that He could ever get me across the raging sea that stood in my path.
The times I distressed because I thought He was not there.

His repeated faithfulness takes my mind of chaos and brings clarity.

Clarity that reveals that my God Is Here!

My God causes the earth to tremble at His command!  

My God is faithful...over and over He is faithful!

And then I realize that my cries are NOT falling on deaf ears...they are falling on THE ALL-KNOWING EARS OF AN ALL-TIME FAITHFUL GOD!!

And rest comes for my soul.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Well, yesterday was my birthday!!  44 never sounded so YOUNG! :)

As I sat there being loved on by my family and friends, I thought back on the last year. It was a rough one for us.

We moved three times.
Two of my girls left for college.
We have had a couple of health trials.
Our marriage has had some difficult times.
We have family with serious health trials.
I've also just really had some personal struggles.

One of the biggest struggles that I have had over the past year is the realization that I have not been living the life that I was called to live. I thought that being "good," making the right choices, engaging in some pat-on-the-back/give back activities, going to church, having devotions would fulfill me.

What I realized is that though those things are all good, they were just numbing me to my real calling...reflecting Christ. So I've spent months trying to figure out what exactly that means and this is what I have for now, though I know that God will continue to reveal more to me:

1. There are a gazillion people in this world, Christian and not, that are "good." There is no way to identify me as a follower of Christ by just being "good."

2. The same goes for making right/moral choices, though there are some that would be more of an identifier, they, so far, have not been choices that I have had to make in my life.

3. Pat-on-the-back/Give back activities, though they are great things to do, are most of the time done to either make myself look good or cover over some feeling of guilt I have.

4. Going to church and being the church are two entirely different things. Being the church definitely involves being a part of an assembling body, but it is so much more!

5. Devotions, though they have their place, should never replace study of the living, moving, transforming Word of God.

6. "Normal" is my enemy. It draws me into routine which draws me into comfort, which draws me into stagnation. And stagnant water stinks and can become toxic.

7. Christianity is not for the faint of heart or those that are not willing to go all in. The Bible tells us that we will suffer, have our name slandered, be despised, have our family turn against us, and calls us to take up our cross daily. It is not a pretty or glamorous path.

8. The world will know us by our unity, love, and willingness to suffer for Christ. Right now they know us by our discord, what we are against, and our "blessings" which we tend to equate with material wealth and gain. This is not what we are called to be known by, but we can change it through God's grace.

9. If I don't have a heart for the lost and the church, I do not have a heart like God's.

10. My life will NOT...it can NOT be about me or about this temporary state that I am in. It MUST be based on eternity. Clinging to an eternal perspective is the only way to live the way I am called to.

11. In light of the cross, it is all worth it.

So...now you have another year to wait until I gain a few more nuggets to share!!  :)  I know...that sounds more like a threat doesn't it??!!

Love you guys!!

Prepare Me

Alrighty, so you know how my last post was about the struggle that I have been having lately? Well this post is about something that the Lord has revealed to me during this struggle.

I was reading in 1 Kings 19 about Elijah. For those of you who don't know the story, Elijah became afraid for his life so he left his travel companion and took off alone. He ended up in the wilderness, plopped down frustrated and told the Lord that he had had enough! He told God to just kill him right then and there! Then he fell asleep!!

Well, this hooked me right away because I felt like I could relate. This place that I am in has caused me to fear that this might be with me the rest of my life. And I could also relate to Elijah pouring out to the Lord and then falling asleep!!  I might have had one or two crying episodes on my bed that promptly led to my conking out!!

So while Elijah is asleep an angel of the Lord comes and wakes him up and prompts him to eat and drink...Elijah does. Then he falls asleep again! That pouring session really wore him out!

A second time an angel of the Lord wakes him up and tells him to eat and drink again. This time though the angel continues and say he needs to do this because the journey is too much for him. Elijah consumes the meal and is strengthened. Then he sets off for forty days and nights traveling what seems to be nonstop until he reached the mountain of God where he spends the night in a cave.

So I started thinking about my own life and times that I have been discouraged like Elijah and poured my heart out to God. The difference I see though is that most of the time when I pour out to the Lord, I turn around and go forward trying to fix the problem....kinda like I'm helping Him out.

I wonder how many times the Lord prompted me to eat, drink and rest so that He could strengthen me for the upcoming journey and I didn't hear or listen because I immediately got up and went into "fix-it" mode. Probably more often than I would care to admit!

And then inevitably I head off on the journey and I don't have the strength or the energy to continue on.

I get tired and have to slow down because I did not rest enough.
I get hungry and thirsty because I did not allow the Lord to prepare me properly.

And then when I have to slow way down or even stop I become frustrated with God and wonder why He would bring me to this place, this calling, without preparing me....never stopping to realize that He offered everything I needed but I did not take the time to listen or fill up on what He had to provide.

So I'm still in a difficult season of my life. I am struggling with finding my joy and I am struggling because I am being called to wait upon the Lord for instruction. But I am trying to learn from Elijah and from God's beautiful, living Word that this might be a time for me to rest and allow God to refresh me, all the while preparing me for the journey that He has planned before me.

Lord, teach me what I need to know.
Water me with what I need to grow.
Feed me and provide me rest,
So when I journey on I'll give You my best.

Pressed But Not Crushed - My Refinement

I have not been in a good place lately....or so I thought.

During the past three weeks I have found myself spending most of my time either in tears or terribly angry over irrelevant things. My soul has felt like it was crushing in and some days even just breathing hurt.

The Lord told me early on in this time to get up early and spend more time with Him. So I did.

Frankly, I thought that by doing so I would start to feel better quickly, but I did not. Instead, it got worse.

I wish that I had the words to describe how I have been feeling, but the only thing I can come up with is suffocating and crushing deep in my spirit. I have no idea where it came from, but I quickly figured out that it was not going to leave anytime soon.

As time went on I started to feel a bit angry with God. I was spending hours in His Word and in prayer but I could not shake whatever was going on. I confessed everything I could remember to confess and I prayed that if I was forgetting something He would remind me. The oppression continued and I started to notice that it was really affecting others in my family. Almost like it was spreading....like a virus.

The only advice I had to offer them was spend as much time as possible in the Word and with the Lord. I did not really feel like it was helping me much, but I could only hang on to what I know, and that is that God is faithful.

Again, I have no words to adequately explain the depths of how I was feeling and the fear that began to settle in that this might become my life. Then the Lord began to whisper....

The first thing He did was to confirm that I WAS walking in His will. Though I felt like I was wandering lost in the wilderness, I was exactly where He had called me to.

The second was that He showed me that the hours daily spent in His Word and in prayer were not to instantly "fix" what was going on, but it was to get me THROUGH what was going on. It was going to hurt, refinement usually does, but I would not be overcome by it.

I would love to tell you that this has given me unbelievable peace and joy during my journey, but that would be a lie. I wanted it to, but I just could not embrace that. But what it did do is that it helped me keep my focus a little more on the Lord and a little less on what I was feeling. Not a huge difference, but more of a shift.

I have been reading a book during this time called "Desiring God - Meditations of a Christian Hedonist" by John Piper and I was reading a section about finding joy in suffering. In it he says, "The joy came from the thought that their faith was regarded by God as real and ready to be proved in the fire of affliction." That brought me to Romans 5:3-4  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.

It was there that I found my path to joy! God had considered my faith ready! I did not enjoy how it was playing out and I certainly found no joy at all in my circumstance and the way I was feeling, but I COULD find joy in the fact that my faith was ready...I was ready for refinement.

                               

This has honestly been the most difficult three and a half weeks of my life. I have felt things that I had no concept of before. I have thought things that I would have rather never crossed my mind. 

I wish that I could say I feel all the way back to my normal "Kristi" self, but I don't. I can tell you that my time in the Word and in prayer has started to help me so much that in addition to the hours in the morning I have added many stops with Him and His Word throughout my day and I am finding so much strength in that. 

Our family is undergoing some really big changes right now. Changes in our life pathway, our ministry vision, where we live, even changes with two of our girls going off to college. 

But the most exciting thing is that God is changing our hearts and our focus and I am realizing that many times that is painful and uncomfortable but in the end, I know that God is faithful and that we should "Be strong and of good courage: do not be afraid nor be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

When I started this blog post I told you that I thought I had not been in a good place lately, but through it, the Lord has shown me that I am in the perfect place....and His grace is sufficient.

Summer Mission Trip - Day 1

Yesterday we left the great state of Texas and headed north! 

We left around 5am and arrived in Des Moines, IA around 5pm, so it was a pretty long days drive! Despite that, we were able to see some very pretty parts of the country! I love the corn fields that gone on as far as you can see.

We learned that the state of Missouri appreciates those coming into the state, but no so much those that leave!!  The rest area on the coming in side were great! They had a playground and fantastic facilities. Then we looked across the street at the one for people leaving and it was chemical toilets!!  Ha! 

After we arrived at our destination, we ate dinner at the hotel. The great thing about Drury Inn is that they serve dinner every night for no additional charge!  Love it! Then we all crashed by 7:30. I woke up around 9:30 pm and asked Bri if it was morning!

So today we are up and getting ready to head into the beautiful state of Minnesota. I have been through that state twice. Once it was so foggy that I could not see past the front of the car and the other time it was dark, so I'm super excited!

We are going to be staying at a state park there and having a couple of day of swimming and hiking before we head into Wisconsin. It is a great way to prepare your heart and soul for serving the Lord when you are able to spend a little time in His creation!!

I probably won't be able to blog again until Thursday, but until then....See ya!

Here Comes The Bride...

It is June and the wedding month is drawing to a close. I have really enjoyed seeing all of the wedding pictures on Facebook, especially of young men and woman that I have taught in the past! The happiness that I see on their faces is contagious...seriously, I can't look at them without smiling myself!
                            
All of the bridal and wedding pictures make me think of the Church as well. Scripture calls the Church the Bride of Christ. When I think about this, I wonder how He feels about the way we are preparing ourselves for the sweet day when the bride has made herself ready and it is time for the marriage of the Lamb.

As I look at the pictures of the beautiful brides having their hair and make-up done and as they slip into the beautiful gowns, I wonder if our sweet Lamb of God sees beauty in our preparation.Sometimes I wonder if instead of a smile, we bring Him sorrow.

So I have been praying and thinking about what I can do to bring beauty to the Church as we prepare for our Lord. And my mind keeps coming back to all of the scripture that says the desire of the Lord is that the Church is unified.

                                      

Sometimes as I look around, I don't feel like we are very unified. One of the main reasons God wants us unified is that through our unification the world can see Him and how much He loves them. 

That is not how the world sees us right now.

So in my ramblings of confusions and confessions, I have come up with a list that I am going to use for myself. A list of things to think about and do with the intent of working towards making myself a more unified part of the body of Christ.

Social Media: I love Facebook! I love the pictures, the ideas, the people I am able to stay in contact with...I just love it! But I also see danger prowling around. So I have made some guidelines for myself when using social media

•  I will not begin or participate in any type of religious debate, no matter how right I think I am. No argument is ever won on Facebook. All we do when we argue religion on Facebook or Twitter or whatever is feed into discord. If there is an issue that needs to be confronted, I will follow the Biblical model for going to my brother or sister (Matt. 5:23-24, 18:15-17). And I will always keep in mind Mark 9:38-41.
• I will not post anything political. I have candidates that I support and issues I feel passionately about, but again, nothing is ever won by arguing on social media. If I believe strongly in a candidate or issue, I will support them with my time and/or money where it is most likely I will make a difference. If I have a friend and we enjoy political debating, I will invite them over for dinner!
• I will never...never purposefully say anything derogatory about any other person, group of people, nation, etc. 

Let me explain just a little bit of why I believe this is such an important step to take. When I have been in situations where I am blessed to be able to evangelize, at times I have been asked the question of which Bible is correct. Being thrown off  by this question at first, I figured out that the confusion was with Christians on Facebook arguing over "hot topics." The assumption was that since Christians could not agree on Biblical issues, they must have different Bibles. 

Though we will always have issues we disagree over we need to be mindful that sometimes people read our posts and they don't know all of the religious jargon we have made up and our conflicting opinions can certainly give the appearance of disunity. 

                             

My Mouth: Boy howdy does this get me into trouble!! For some reason it tends to follow me everywhere! :)

• When I speak of other Christian denominations, I will not speak negatively. So much is revealed in scripture that we clearly agree on and that unites us, why should I dwell on the differences of opinion we have for all of the other stuff! I have been reading a book called "The Imitation of Christ" and there is a quote in there that I love.... "What good is much discussion of involved and obscure matters when our ignorance of them will not be held against us on Judgment Day?"  
• Sometimes there are time when we must deal with teachings that are against scripture. Those can't be ignored. I will deal with it using the Biblical model and go to the leadership in that denomination or local church. What I won't do is complain about it to others when I have not done what I am called to do by going to their leadership.
• Instead of my mouth being known for what I am against, I want it to be used to tell people what I am for! I should evangelize more than I argue or disagree. Unfortunately, right now, I am not able to say I do that.
• If I won't back my mouth up with my resources (time and/or money) I will keep it shut.

                                      

Involvement: The Body of Christ, the Bride of Christ, needs each of us in order to function in the way we were intended. 

• I will pick a local church and get involved...and stay involved! Unless the Lord calls me somewhere else, they are stuck with me! :)
• Realize that the local church where I meet is not about a certain pastor or worship leader...it is about being a part of the body of Christ. Pastors and worship leaders, though great, may come and go, our dedication is to the body of Christ.
• Building my local church up will be my calling, not bringing it down. Most complaints I will keep to myself and pray for God to give me a spirit of contentedness. If there are complaints that need to be expressed I will follow the Biblical model for bringing that before the correct person and I will also proceed with a heart of love, not a heart that just wants to be heard or be right.

                               

Heart: God has a heart for the lost... the Church has a heart for the lost...therefore I must have a heart for the lost.

• Remember that my battle is not against flesh and blood, but it is against the rulers and principalities of this dark age (Eph 6:12). 
• I have found that the Lord softens my heart for the lost when I spend time reading His Word. That is also where He fills me up so that He can use me to pour into others!
• True love only comes through the Father, because He is love. It is easy to confuse other emotions and feelings I have with love, but it only comes from being one with God. When I am not sure if I have a loving heart I just compare it to the Biblical definition of Love...is it patient, kind, humble, etc. ? (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

       

There is a final thing that I try to keep in mind...most people don't really care about my opinion, and most of the time they shouldn't! Kinda a weird statement to have on my opinion blog isn't it??!! Ha!!

But seriously, my opinion is not worth very much. I'm not really going to make a difference to most people just by sharing it. So what I try to do is take the things that I do feel are important and put my resources into them.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9:19-23, "Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings."

My goal here on earth is not to win political arguments and governments, these will all pass and fade. I need to focus on the eternal as opposed to the temporal, the works prepared for me as opposed to the works I create. 

Kinda like what we talked about before, as opposed to feeding into brokenness and disagreement by just spouting out words, I will try to take my time, my resources, and my money and put them into the things that matter. I want to be a Kingdom builder, not just a Kingdom announcer!

At the end of the day, I have a deep desire to be a part of bringing the body before Christ and presenting it as a beautiful, unified bride. One that has waited with anticipation for the day when we are presented in full splendor to the one we adore. One that He will look upon and say "well done my good and faithful servant!" (Matt 25:21)

                              

I know that the Lord wants His church unified and I know that I want to please Him...I want that with every fiber of my being. I truly believe that if we all join together, even just taking little steps, we can follow the heart of our Lord and draw all tribes, tongues, and nations to Him!

"He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming soon." Amen. Come, Lord Jesus" (Rev 22:20)

Oh yes!!  Come Lord Jesus and find your Bride beautifully waiting for You!!

Racist America?

I use to think race was not really an issue. 

I would watch things on the news and my gut reaction was that people were creating an issue that was not there.  I found beauty in the differences we all have.  Our God is a god of splendor and creativity and that is expressed in the way he created us and all of our differences be it skin color or hair color, personality or even the ways we worship. 

But I have learned a few things over the past few months in light of several racially charged issues that have come to pass.

First, racism still exists in America.  You might not be a racist and I might not be a racist, but some people are.  

Second, it only takes a few people with racism in their hearts to do a lot of damage.  This damage can be done with their words, their body language, and sometimes even with weapons intended for physical harm.

The best way I can try to understand it is imagining that there is an evil person in my city that is targeting little girls the same age as my daughter.  Even if I am not directly impacted by that, I will be fearful for my daughter and I will live on edge until the person is caught.  

And what if they catch one person just to have another step up and carry on the evil?  Eventually I will spend my life always looking over my shoulder and watching for someone to come and try to harm my daughter. I think that must be a small taste of what it is like to live in America and have dark skin.

The last thing I have learned is though I might be able to come up with a situation that I can draw a comparison to, I will never truly understand the strain that racism puts on the shoulders of my brothers and sisters with darker skin than mine.  I just never will.

   

                           

With this I think there are some things that I can do to help. When I hear people tell racial jokes or make racial comments, stop them.  It is not okay even if they think they are just being funny. 

I can stop trying to minimize the issue.  The best way I can do this is to listen.  I might not completely understand how the issue effects each person, but I can listen and really hear what my brothers and sisters are saying.  I can have empathy for the strain that this must put on their day to day lives and I can lift them up in prayer.

I can raise my children in a way that I don't try to hide our differences or make us all out to be the same, but in a way where they see the beauty in it! And I can teach them that they are no better and no less than any other person.  We are all sinners saved only by grace and any good we do is a direct result of the Father.

Lately I tend to swing from anger regarding this issue to sadness. Anger at myself, my government, my media, for spending so much time trying to gloss over a nasty, dirty part of who we are. And sadness over the fact that so many people bear a pain in their hearts regarding this issue that I can't even begin to understand. 

We need to move into a time of clarity and acknowledgement.  

We need to move away from denial and step into revival! 

Stop denying we have differences...we do and they are beautiful! Appreciate them!

Stop denying that those differences cause some people to hate....they do and those people cause harm!

But most of all stop thinking that there is nothing we can do....we can combat the hate...we can combat the evil...

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21

Remember we are all valuable to God. There is not one person that did not cross the mind of the Creator as he/she came into being. 

The differences in nature are to enrich our lives!  

The differences in people are to enrich our lives and relationships!

There is not one group of people that is put over another. In the end we will all stand before the Lord and worship Him.

"After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands." Revelation 7:9

Stand together as the Church, the bride of Christ and let the world know who sent us and how much they are loved and pursued by Him. 

"The glory which You have given Me I have given to them, that they may be one, just as We are one.  I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me." John 17:22-23

This is how we kill hate.