Worshiping My Children

Okay, so I after reading a lot in the Old Testament about how the Israelite's kept on turning to idols I prayed that God would show me any idols I might have in my life.

Now I was really thinking....Oh God, look how AWESOME I am! I could totally whoop up on those Israelite's cuz You KNOW I don't have any idols before YOU!!

And then, as so often happens when I come to the Lord with a bit of a self-righteous tone...SMACK DOWN!!  No, God didn't smack me down but when He started showing me what idols I had in my life....well, let's just say the Israelite's were whooping up on me!

So just to give you a teeny, tiny glimpse into what He showed me...here ya go!  Security, CONTROL, Being in on the know, CONTROL, my children, CONTROL!! I'd say I have a bit of a struggle with control :)

I guess the one that really, really shocked me was my children. You see, I had struggled through this one before, or so I thought. You know, trying to come to terms with the fact that my children are not my own, but they are the Lord's and if He calls them to do something other than what I think, that is okay. And I'm not guaranteed to have them for any length of time. So though I in no way claim to have completely turned this over to Him, I would have said I was well on my way. Then....

SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT MADE ONE OF MY GIRLS SAD!!  REALLY, REALLY SAD!  Not just a cry a tear and get over it sad, but a soul wrenching sadness that claws into a mama's gut and pulls out every bit of mother instinct one can have.

Oh my how it hurt to see her in pain. So I did what any mother would do...I wanted to fix it! But this was something that I really had no way of even beginning to fix. In fact, the only thing I could do was to watch her hurt and that, my friends, was not an option. (Please recall that I mentioned CONTROL as an idol a couple of times earlier :) )

So I prayed. And. I. Prayed. Oh my goodness I needed God to fix it and it was not happening fast enough for this mom. In fact, don't tell anyone but I started to get a bit annoyed that God was not fixing things. Then I began to question what type of Father He really was if he could sit back and watch her like this.

Well....You guys can probably already see a definite problem developing here but it took me a bit longer!  Anyways, the Lord began to show me that I was worshiping my children's happiness over Him, thus idolizing them.

Whoa now! My kids say "Yes ma'am" and "No ma'am" to me! I certainly don't idolize them...I command respect!!

Yes, well, somewhere between cradling them as infants and commanding respect I started to place their happiness on a pedestal. Really, really tall ones!!  :) And when they became unhappy in a way that I didn't understand and couldn't help with, especially if I felt like they deserved the happiness it...well, that kinda became my first priority.

I actually was pretty stinking quick to throw God aside and take up idol.

So, once I could see this I was perplexed as how to proceed. You see in the Old Testament they were told to bash in their asherah poles and bashing my girls was not really an option...whew!! So how do you deal with an idol that you can't avoid. Heck, it is an idol that is a blessing from God! (Isn't it crazy how I can take a blessing and turn it into an idol?)

So here is what I did. First I had to really, REALLY pray. I could not get rid of the idol worship on my own so I had to ask the Lord to do it for me. Slowly...sooo slowly He began to show me what a good, good father He is.

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:11

He showed me that it is always good for me to mimic His parenting, but He is NOT going to mimic mine.

What? You mean God can parent in ways other than what I think is right??  You betcha'!!!!

The other thing I learned was to cling to the things the Lord promises for my children.

God will be with them when they walk through difficult times and will keep them from becoming consumed. Isaiah 43:2

He will fill them! Matthew 5:6

God has good works for them to do. 2 Timothy 2:20-21

He will uphold them Isaiah 41:10

They have been made new creations in Christ! 2 Corinthians 5:17

The difference here is that my focus began to change from being solely on my girls to solely on God. And apart from Him there IS NO good for my children.

Once again I am going to close a post telling how I totally do NOT have this down pat yet! I still struggle with putting their happiness or what I believe will bring them happiness ahead of the Lord, but the Lord is faithful to bring my focus back on Him.

Sometimes it is incredibly difficult for me to take the blessing of my children and not cling so tightly to it that I leave no space for the other abundant blessings God has for them and for me. But I am so thankful His mercies are new every morning!!  Great is His faithfulness!!

Because He is also a good, good Father to me :)

Feeling Let Down By God

God let me down.

He left me alone and in despair. I looked for Him, I cried out for Him but He was nowhere to be found.

I was obedient to His instructions and I held fast to His promises. And then, when I needed Him He was not there for me, and I did not know what to do.

What is a person to do when they are abandoned by someone they completely trusted?

How do you take the next step when the author of your steps has left?

Well....you don't. Or at least I didn't. I just stood there in disbelief and in jaw gaping wonder of how this could have happened and how everything I had based my life on was shaky. I stood there trying to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other and go on after the Creator of all things deserted His creation.

Sometimes the only way you can get that next step is through hope and when that is taken away, how are your supposed to proceed?

Then I remembered from my Old Testament reading how all throughout Israel was told to tell stories of God's faithfulness. Remember the past. So I did.

I remembered God's faithfulness when we conceived our third daughter. I remember His faithfulness through the deliveries of our youngest two daughters.

There was a time soon after we were married that we were high on love but very, VERY low on money. The Lord sent a random check in the mail. He was faithful!

When my husband was laid-off from work God was oh so faithful to provide a new, better fitting job!

He healed me from disease.

God has been nothing but faithful to me.

Then I began to thank Him for this faithfulness.

A funny thing happens when you pour thankfulness into one's heart...the anger and despair becomes engulfed by the thankfulness.  You see, scripture tells us over and over the power of a thankful heart!

So now I am still not taking any steps, but I am able to at least stand on my own. And then in the resting of my feet I am reminded that though it might not look like my God is there and it might not feel like my God is there, His own pattern of faithfulness says that He is there.

As I continue to rest my feet not knowing how to step forward I am slowly consumed by His presence of peace and of hope. The warmth of His Spirit begins to fill mine and I discover three things.

First, when I doubt Him....REMEMBER Him.

Second, sometimes I need to rest my feet so that my Lord can not only guide me but consume me.

And finally, what felt to me like God letting me down was in actuality just God SLOWING me down. Kinda like with Elijah...I need to eat and drink God's food so I would be ready for the amazing journey He has prepared before me.

So eat and drink what the Lord has to offer, be refreshed, and then be ready to run!

The Day I Became A Beggar

As I come to write today I am really at a loss of what to say.

Though my past couple of weeks have been full of some amazing times, they have also been seeded with overwhelming despair. You know the kind of despair where you just have to take it minute by minute and pray to God that He sustains you?

This loss of what to say is sorta new for me. If you know me well you know that I enjoy talking...talking to anything and everything that can't get away from me quick enough :)

During my times of prayer I kept finding myself at a loss of what to say too. I had no words to express what I myself could not even understand. 

And, as He so often does, my Lord met me there in the silence. And though many times when He meets me there He speaks, this time He wanted me to share. 

I fought against it as I had no concept of how to even get through the day, nevertheless explain to the Creator of all things what I was asking of Him. 

But He kept me there.

There in the uncomfortable space that lies between being an attentive listener and being a speaker. I didn't like it...at all. I could see no need for it.

There in that space I learned something...I learned how to beg.

A worker I have been. A leader I have been. A beggar...this was new.

But here in the awkward, smothering space I could hold it in no longer. I was incapable of listening and incapable of leading....all I could do was to beg.

Beg for peace and joy. Beg for mercy and grace. Beg for forgiveness and discernment.

The floodgates of my eyes, soul, and mouth opened and poured forth...what? I did not know at the time.

And what I learned has changed my relationship with Christ in a way I had no idea needed changed.

Through the tears and pleas my Jesus met me there. 
Though I was brought to the space kicking and screaming, He met me there in peace and in love. 

And I saw Him.

The comforter and the lover. The encourager and the healer.

His gentleness surprised me.
His patience shocked me.
His grace was overwhelming.
But most of all His love rocked my world.

My minds eye had an image and He shattered it. He replaced it with one I could not have comprehended.

So what is someone to do that's world has been radically changed by an encounter with Him?

This....

"Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”    Matthew 28:18-20

I Remember....

The other morning I was praying through Psalm 77. 

In the first 9 verses the author writes about a desperate time in his life. 
He is crying out to God but he feels like he is not being heard. 
He is seeking the Lord, but is not being comforted.

I have felt like that before, and I bet you have too! 

I cry out over and over for God to send me strength, or peace in a particular situation and I feel like it falls on deaf ears. 

Sometimes I wonder if God is angry with me...maybe I somehow did something that made Him mad. 
Worse yet is the worry that He is just ignoring me.

But then I come to verse 11.
"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds."

What fantastic wisdom I find in these verses! 

Dwell on what I know!!  
Dwell on what God has done!!

Remind myself of the power God has shown in my life, the redemption! 

Remember the great deeds He has done along the paths that He has already led me on.
The mountains He has moved.
The seas He has parted!

Then, when remembering His power, I can't help but begin to remember His patience and faithfulness during those times. 

The times I rebelled against Him.
The times I dug my heels into the ground not wanting to go where He was leading.
The times I doubted that He could ever get me across the raging sea that stood in my path.
The times I distressed because I thought He was not there.

His repeated faithfulness takes my mind of chaos and brings clarity.

Clarity that reveals that my God Is Here!

My God causes the earth to tremble at His command!  

My God is faithful...over and over He is faithful!

And then I realize that my cries are NOT falling on deaf ears...they are falling on THE ALL-KNOWING EARS OF AN ALL-TIME FAITHFUL GOD!!

And rest comes for my soul.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Well, yesterday was my birthday!!  44 never sounded so YOUNG! :)

As I sat there being loved on by my family and friends, I thought back on the last year. It was a rough one for us.

We moved three times.
Two of my girls left for college.
We have had a couple of health trials.
Our marriage has had some difficult times.
We have family with serious health trials.
I've also just really had some personal struggles.

One of the biggest struggles that I have had over the past year is the realization that I have not been living the life that I was called to live. I thought that being "good," making the right choices, engaging in some pat-on-the-back/give back activities, going to church, having devotions would fulfill me.

What I realized is that though those things are all good, they were just numbing me to my real calling...reflecting Christ. So I've spent months trying to figure out what exactly that means and this is what I have for now, though I know that God will continue to reveal more to me:

1. There are a gazillion people in this world, Christian and not, that are "good." There is no way to identify me as a follower of Christ by just being "good."

2. The same goes for making right/moral choices, though there are some that would be more of an identifier, they, so far, have not been choices that I have had to make in my life.

3. Pat-on-the-back/Give back activities, though they are great things to do, are most of the time done to either make myself look good or cover over some feeling of guilt I have.

4. Going to church and being the church are two entirely different things. Being the church definitely involves being a part of an assembling body, but it is so much more!

5. Devotions, though they have their place, should never replace study of the living, moving, transforming Word of God.

6. "Normal" is my enemy. It draws me into routine which draws me into comfort, which draws me into stagnation. And stagnant water stinks and can become toxic.

7. Christianity is not for the faint of heart or those that are not willing to go all in. The Bible tells us that we will suffer, have our name slandered, be despised, have our family turn against us, and calls us to take up our cross daily. It is not a pretty or glamorous path.

8. The world will know us by our unity, love, and willingness to suffer for Christ. Right now they know us by our discord, what we are against, and our "blessings" which we tend to equate with material wealth and gain. This is not what we are called to be known by, but we can change it through God's grace.

9. If I don't have a heart for the lost and the church, I do not have a heart like God's.

10. My life will NOT...it can NOT be about me or about this temporary state that I am in. It MUST be based on eternity. Clinging to an eternal perspective is the only way to live the way I am called to.

11. In light of the cross, it is all worth it.

So...now you have another year to wait until I gain a few more nuggets to share!!  :)  I know...that sounds more like a threat doesn't it??!!

Love you guys!!

Prepare Me

Alrighty, so you know how my last post was about the struggle that I have been having lately? Well this post is about something that the Lord has revealed to me during this struggle.

I was reading in 1 Kings 19 about Elijah. For those of you who don't know the story, Elijah became afraid for his life so he left his travel companion and took off alone. He ended up in the wilderness, plopped down frustrated and told the Lord that he had had enough! He told God to just kill him right then and there! Then he fell asleep!!

Well, this hooked me right away because I felt like I could relate. This place that I am in has caused me to fear that this might be with me the rest of my life. And I could also relate to Elijah pouring out to the Lord and then falling asleep!!  I might have had one or two crying episodes on my bed that promptly led to my conking out!!

So while Elijah is asleep an angel of the Lord comes and wakes him up and prompts him to eat and drink...Elijah does. Then he falls asleep again! That pouring session really wore him out!

A second time an angel of the Lord wakes him up and tells him to eat and drink again. This time though the angel continues and say he needs to do this because the journey is too much for him. Elijah consumes the meal and is strengthened. Then he sets off for forty days and nights traveling what seems to be nonstop until he reached the mountain of God where he spends the night in a cave.

So I started thinking about my own life and times that I have been discouraged like Elijah and poured my heart out to God. The difference I see though is that most of the time when I pour out to the Lord, I turn around and go forward trying to fix the problem....kinda like I'm helping Him out.

I wonder how many times the Lord prompted me to eat, drink and rest so that He could strengthen me for the upcoming journey and I didn't hear or listen because I immediately got up and went into "fix-it" mode. Probably more often than I would care to admit!

And then inevitably I head off on the journey and I don't have the strength or the energy to continue on.

I get tired and have to slow down because I did not rest enough.
I get hungry and thirsty because I did not allow the Lord to prepare me properly.

And then when I have to slow way down or even stop I become frustrated with God and wonder why He would bring me to this place, this calling, without preparing me....never stopping to realize that He offered everything I needed but I did not take the time to listen or fill up on what He had to provide.

So I'm still in a difficult season of my life. I am struggling with finding my joy and I am struggling because I am being called to wait upon the Lord for instruction. But I am trying to learn from Elijah and from God's beautiful, living Word that this might be a time for me to rest and allow God to refresh me, all the while preparing me for the journey that He has planned before me.

Lord, teach me what I need to know.
Water me with what I need to grow.
Feed me and provide me rest,
So when I journey on I'll give You my best.

Pressed But Not Crushed - My Refinement

I have not been in a good place lately....or so I thought.

During the past three weeks I have found myself spending most of my time either in tears or terribly angry over irrelevant things. My soul has felt like it was crushing in and some days even just breathing hurt.

The Lord told me early on in this time to get up early and spend more time with Him. So I did.

Frankly, I thought that by doing so I would start to feel better quickly, but I did not. Instead, it got worse.

I wish that I had the words to describe how I have been feeling, but the only thing I can come up with is suffocating and crushing deep in my spirit. I have no idea where it came from, but I quickly figured out that it was not going to leave anytime soon.

As time went on I started to feel a bit angry with God. I was spending hours in His Word and in prayer but I could not shake whatever was going on. I confessed everything I could remember to confess and I prayed that if I was forgetting something He would remind me. The oppression continued and I started to notice that it was really affecting others in my family. Almost like it was spreading....like a virus.

The only advice I had to offer them was spend as much time as possible in the Word and with the Lord. I did not really feel like it was helping me much, but I could only hang on to what I know, and that is that God is faithful.

Again, I have no words to adequately explain the depths of how I was feeling and the fear that began to settle in that this might become my life. Then the Lord began to whisper....

The first thing He did was to confirm that I WAS walking in His will. Though I felt like I was wandering lost in the wilderness, I was exactly where He had called me to.

The second was that He showed me that the hours daily spent in His Word and in prayer were not to instantly "fix" what was going on, but it was to get me THROUGH what was going on. It was going to hurt, refinement usually does, but I would not be overcome by it.

I would love to tell you that this has given me unbelievable peace and joy during my journey, but that would be a lie. I wanted it to, but I just could not embrace that. But what it did do is that it helped me keep my focus a little more on the Lord and a little less on what I was feeling. Not a huge difference, but more of a shift.

I have been reading a book during this time called "Desiring God - Meditations of a Christian Hedonist" by John Piper and I was reading a section about finding joy in suffering. In it he says, "The joy came from the thought that their faith was regarded by God as real and ready to be proved in the fire of affliction." That brought me to Romans 5:3-4  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.

It was there that I found my path to joy! God had considered my faith ready! I did not enjoy how it was playing out and I certainly found no joy at all in my circumstance and the way I was feeling, but I COULD find joy in the fact that my faith was ready...I was ready for refinement.

                               

This has honestly been the most difficult three and a half weeks of my life. I have felt things that I had no concept of before. I have thought things that I would have rather never crossed my mind. 

I wish that I could say I feel all the way back to my normal "Kristi" self, but I don't. I can tell you that my time in the Word and in prayer has started to help me so much that in addition to the hours in the morning I have added many stops with Him and His Word throughout my day and I am finding so much strength in that. 

Our family is undergoing some really big changes right now. Changes in our life pathway, our ministry vision, where we live, even changes with two of our girls going off to college. 

But the most exciting thing is that God is changing our hearts and our focus and I am realizing that many times that is painful and uncomfortable but in the end, I know that God is faithful and that we should "Be strong and of good courage: do not be afraid nor be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

When I started this blog post I told you that I thought I had not been in a good place lately, but through it, the Lord has shown me that I am in the perfect place....and His grace is sufficient.