Getting There!

Slowly but surely we are getting there! 

It took some time, and it took some help.....

 but I finally got the existing porch mostly removed!

Oh happy day!!!!!!!!!!

Oodie, our dog, stayed close at hand to cheer us on!!

After it was down I needed to attach the ledger board to the house and put in the joist hangers...that is the long board under the door below and those silver-y doodads.

Then we (we as in my fabulous hubby and son-in-law) dug four really deep holes....

....filled them with concrete, and inserted another silver-y doodad in a very straight line while the concrete was wet. 

And then we let it all dry!! 

And today we have four beautiful concrete piers waiting for the posts to be attached next week!!

I have needed way more help than I anticipated, but I have also learned a lot, which has been fun. 

One thing that I keep thinking about is how important it has been to keep focused on the end goal. I tend to ditch things when they get difficult....which is why I am NOT a crafty person!!...but I have tried to stay focused on the final product...the finished deck.

But....there is so much to learn in the process, and those lessons have helped to make it easier to keep working through the problems and issues I have hit.

For example...taking the existing deck down was sooooo difficult, especially taking off the decking boards on the top.

The first one that I had to get off with a pry bar took me a really long time and I got super frustrated and almost quit. 

But the thing is, after that board came off I had more faith in my ability to get the next deck board off and so on. I found that every time I was able to get through one issue, I felt more confident in my ability to conquer the next one.

The key so far for me has been staying focused on the final goal, increased confidence through trials, and knowing where to go for help...kinda similar to life.

As I walk through my life I need to keep my eye on the goal...a day when my Creator will say "Well done good and faithful servant."

But I am also learning so much through the process of life. And every trial I face increases my faith in my Creator God's ability to sustain me.

And as I journey I learn more and more where to go for help. 

Building my deck has led me to seek help from my deck design, a "How to Build a Deck" book, and people with experience.

In life I look for help from the same...my Designer, His "How to Live Life" book, and people with experience. 

So for now, I will keep on learning, asking, and building with the hope that one day soon I will sit in my rocking chair on my deck and watch the sun go down :) 

Let's Get Started!!

Hooray! My supplies arrived............

Not hooray...this was the first sentence in the instruction book.....

But that's okay, because I quickly learned my first lesson of deck building...I need help!

We are adding on to an existing deck so I really didn't think this would be a big deal. And I REALLY thought I could do most of it myself minus a couple of lessons I knew I needed.

I did NOT anticipate on needing help from both of my help sources within an hour of attempting to take down...yes, you heard me...TAKE DOWN some of the existing deck. 

Screws were stripped or broken, there were tools I didn't have, and there was this brief instance that required climbing under the deck that is already there. Normally not a big deal but right now it has a winters worth of cobwebs and yucky stuff!! :) 

Yup! It didn't quite go as I planned it. But...maybe I should lay low on the plan!!

So today looks like we are going to warm up into the 40's this afternoon so I am hoping to give it another go and try and get this thing taken apart!!

Today is the Day!!

We moved into this house almost 4 years ago...still can't believe how quickly time has passed...and from the beginning I really wanted a deck. We have beautiful land in the back of the house that just beckons to be viewed more frequently!!

I envisioned stepping out of a sliding glass door from my dining room to a huge deck in the back. I would be able to serve meals out there, have coffee out there, all the while looking at this.....

And this.......

But, the thing is, the back of our house is really high off the ground!!  Because of the basement and the shaping of the land the deck will need to be high, a window will need to be knocked out and a sliding door put in.  See.................................. :)  That middle window is where the sliding glass door will eventually be. 

To someone who is a deck pro, this might not sound like much, but to a beginner DIY-er....it's a LOT!!!!!!!!!!

So last week we decided that we are going to add a deck to the front for now. This will give us experience in deck constructing while being a tad less daunting than starting with the back. See...............  :) 

I purchased the supplies online at Menards and it is all being delivered today!! So I decided that I am going to keep track of what is going on with it on the blog.

Usually when I take on projects such as this, God uses the opportunity to teach me a few things as well, so I will let you know about those when they happen!!

So today is the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My goal is to remove the existing steps and little porch, and get all of my supplies ready!

I'll let you know how it goes!!

The Wait

Tomorrow at this time....
So when he heard Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer....
God has led you these forty years in the wilderness....
For the time will come....

I hate waiting. 
Let me make it more clear....

I. Hate. Waiting. 

I hate waiting for things that arrive later than I anticipated. 
I hate it when I have to wait on food to cook.
I hate it when I have to wait for a 2 day Amazon package to arrive.
I hate waiting on William to think through where he wants to put his house when we play Settlers of Catan. 

Now we have COVID-19 in the US and I am waiting. 

Waiting on it to strike my beloved community. 
Waiting to see if people I love and care about will suffer from it. 
Waiting to see if my family is affected by it. 

Waiting to see who it kills.

Some days I can lull myself into a faux sense of security because it hasn't hit my county yet. 
But not today.

Yesterday we had our first diagnosed case of it.

I live in a small town. A fantastic small town. And now we wait together.

And it sucks.

It makes me angry, scared, and overwhelmingly sad. And yesterday I was determined to figure out a plan. If I can just have a few plans in case A happens or B happens we will be okay. 

So I tried, and I planned. Then night came. And the futility of my plans settled deep in my soul. It felt almost as deep as the darkness did.

Then the sun came up...covered and masked by clouds, but it came up.

Around 6am I was reading my Bible in the book of Joshua chapter 11 verse 6 and it said...the Lord said to Joshua, "Do not be afraid of them, for tomorrow at this time I will give over all of them,..."

And... I lost it.

Don't be afraid because I am going to help you....TOMORROW!!  
Well what about today?

What about right now? Why in the world do you have to wait until tomorrow?

Joshua is SURROUNDED by enemies that have come together to DESTROY him and God says...Tomorrow.

That is just torment. It's cruel. And us having to wait for this stupid virus to strike is torment and cruel. And it's just not fair.

Slowly the anger subsided and the cloud of overwhelming sadness found its familiar place and I went about my day. 

Our family observes Holy Week so I began to prepare for Maundy Thursday activities tonight. 

Maundy in Latin means command and this day is a day to celebrate Jesus' final commands and meal with his friends before He is arrested and killed on Good Friday. 

Then it hit me.  He waited.

On that day, Jesus had to share a meal with a man that he knew was about to betray him to his murderers. He shared a meal with a close friend that he knew would deny even knowing him within hours. 

Not only did he share the meal with them...he served them by washing their feet. 

All of this while he waited. While he waited to suffer and die.

I struggle waiting to see if this virus will harm or kill me. 

He waited knowing it would.

We might think....Maybe it didn't really affect him because he knew that in the end it would turn out alright??

He was in agony. He sweat drops of blood. 
In Mark Jesus says his soul was sorrowful, even to the point of death.

We think of the physical pain of the beatings and the cross, but what about the waiting? 

Even in his death there was waiting. Three days worth of waiting. 
The most amazing moment to ever occur on the earth was coming next...but there was a three day wait.

There are so many promises that tell us what is to come. 

Not promises that we won't be affected by viruses or turmoil or disaster, but promises of hope, and peace, and joy. 
Promises of being loved, and having a purpose. And promises of a day when we will see the one we love face to face.

But for now we wait. And it can be very, very hard. 

What did Jesus do while He waited?

Well, he ate!! :)  I've kinda got that one down!!!

And he commanded us two things....Remember and Love.

He himself did those two things while he waited. 

In the garden as he cried out in emotional suffering he remembered who was in control and that His plan was good...even when it didn't look good.
And he loved those around him...even those who caused him pain.

So right now I am still scared, overwhelmed, and sad, but I remember that He was to.

He chose to wait with remembrance and with love. 

I want to wait like that.

May we wait not for disaster to come, but for the sun to rise, the birds to sing, and joy to come in the morning.
May we wait with HOPE and may we wait with LOVE.

March 18, 2020.....

Well, we are definitely in uncharted waters. 

The state is closing schools, restaurants, churches. Life as we know it is shut down.

I don't really know what to write about, but I know I need to write.

At first I thought this would all pass quickly just as many virus concerns have in the past. Now I recognize that this time is different.

I don't exactly know why it is different as I don't understand all of the science and mathematical models behind it.....but it is different. 

With my youngest daughter homeschooling, much of our day looks the same. Except for the periodic checks to CNN and the Duluth Tribune for updates. 

I don't know what I am looking for or what I want to see. 

I don't really know much of anything right now.

I know there is a big part of me that wants to allow fear to settle in. But there is an equal part of me that wants to say "No, this is no big deal. I will follow the rules and things will work out okay for me."

But this little voice keeps reminding me that whether I choose the fear side, or the control side...it's not about me.

I see things going on that make me feel ill.

People hording toilet paper. I just think...seriously....toilet paper??? Coffee I might could understand, but toilet paper??

But then I recognize that the toilet paper hoarders just want something to help them feel safe and in control, just like I do.

I hear of people buying guns and stocking months worth of food.

The Walmart that I shop at was completely out of meat, most produce, eggs, milk, tortilla chips (??) and paper products last time I was there. Except for the stuff that is super crazy expensive, everything was gone.

What about people who can't afford the organic ground beef that is four times the amount of regular ground beef?

What about people who can't afford to stock up on two weeks worth of food?

What about those with children who are now having to take off work to stay home with them?

My heart hurts. 

But then I see things that just remind me of how incredible by community is.

People serving food to the children out of school. 

People bringing food baskets to the elders. 

Volunteers to make shopping trips for those who are high risk and shouldn't leave home.

There is a steady stream of neighbors checking on neighbors.

There is love pouring out.

I don't have any idea how this is all going to go down. Is this going to be something that is over in a month, or something that will have a long lasting effect on the world?

But today there are a few things I do know.

I live in the best community ever in the history of communities. 

There is no "doing it alone" here. People care about other people and they are willing to go without themselves to help someone else out.

I know that I miss seeing the teens that I usually get to see a few times a week. They make my heart happy.

I know that I have found a new thing I like to learn about...ecology!! It is incredible how the world works together!!

I know that I was super excited to find out Main Street Tacos would deliver where I live...then super sad when I found out I was wrong.

I know that the sun will come up tomorrow, the snow will slowly melt, the bears will wake up, and spring will come.

I know that God is in control....even when I don't understand it or like it.

Deuteronomy 3:22  You shall not fear them, for it is the LORD your God who fights for you.

I know that I don't know a lot of things, but I am thankful for what I do know.

How To Do Wrong Well....

Sometimes I worry that my blog posts are too depressing!

I guess the reason that they seem to be that way is that when I first entered this journey of not feeling myself I thought I was all alone. I REALLY believed that doing the "right" things (what was right in my mind) would fix everything. And when it didn't I felt more alone and like I was somehow not only failing myself, but failing my friends and family, and failing God.

So I write a lot about what I have gone through and am going through because my guess is....and the response to my posts affirms it...there are more people out there that feel that way.

It is just so easy for us to see people and assume that things are great when on the inside things are not.

And I have found that when the people around me believe that I am doing great, I will start to believe it too and slowly my life turns into this fake mess.

I'm not a fan of fake.
I'm too tired for it and my brain doesn't function fast enough to keep up with it.

I have so many great things in my life.

A husband that loves me.

Four daughters that are healthy and love me.

I have friends not just here in Wisconsin, but in Texas, Minnesota, and even South Dakota that love me.

I have this group of teens that I get to spend a lot of time with that, even though they tease me about my cooking and my driving...they love me too.

But I guess I am starting to see that it can be great on the inside of me even when things are not so great on the outside.

I can look back and see that this was and still is a long, painful journey. If I had not had people in my life speaking truth to me, loving the real me, encouraging me, and calling me out when needed, I am not sure the outcome would have been the same.

So to be frank with you, I screw up. I screw up a lot.

Some of it you can see...like when I burn dinner or stump my toe and let out a swear word.

Some of it you don't...like all of the swear words that come out in my head, or when I am jealous of the guy I work with because he never seems to screw up as bad as I do and can make a "natural" pond look natural.

Some of it is hidden even more...like the struggles I have with pride, and fear, and wanting people to like me.

I do a lot of wrong. And I am pretty sure that I will continue to do a lot of wrong.

But what I want, is to do "wrong" well.

I know it sounds crazy!!  Right??!!  But screwing up is a part of my life, and one that isn't really going anywhere this side of heaven. So I want to do it well.

First is, I want my wrong out in the light. I have seen and know personally the dangers of keeping our wrongs in the dark. And I know that if it is out in the light the darkness can never overcome it.

Second, I want my wrong to show who Jesus is. The Bible tells me that through my weaknesses His power is most revealed. I have a lot of opportunity for Him to reveal His power :)

Third, I want to share it and encourage others to do the same. I might strive to come across all put together and such, but what does that accomplish? Usually at the most I just make someone else feel like they are less than because they can't keep it together.

So let's just get this out in the open...none of us can. Keeping it together is about as unreal as I can get. And it is not my purpose.

My purpose is to be broken and messy so that His power can be seen.
My purpose is to be poured out to others so that His love is known.

How many years I have spend stressing and working not so you could see Him through me, but so you could see me.

And I'm just done with it.

Now I want to do it.... wrong...broken...shattered...well, so you and I both, can see Him.

As for me...I see Him. I know He is here and I am closer to Him in my mess than I ever was in my togetherness.

So while I will continue to strive to make better choices and reflect Jesus more in the good parts of me, I will not shy away from my messes.

His grace is sufficient for me. His power works best in my weakness. So I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Love,
Your messy friend Kristi

When God Closes a Door Sometimes He Locks It

It was locked.

And it was stuffy.

The kind of stuffy that makes you feel like you might not be able to pull in a breath of enough fresh air to fill the intense longing of your lungs. But you do.

But there isn’t much relief in the successful breath because you know you will have to soon breathe again.

And relief is something that doesn’t seem to be in abundance in the stuffy room

This is how I have felt the last few years.

I believe that numerous things brought me to that point, but that’s for another day.

Today I want to talk about that room. That horrible, stuffy room.

I was in a time of my life where I felt very lost, confused, afraid, and lonely. I really struggled with knowing who I was. I felt unworthy, unlovable, incapable, and overwhelmed with just trying to get through each day.

During this time, we had several stressful events occur in our family such as a major move, a change of direction in the way our family functioned, and two daughters leave home for college. 

Not only was I struggling, but several of my children were deeply embattled in struggles of their own.

All of this going on around me seemed to make my room even stuffier.

But on the outside…oh how good I looked.

Everyone was amazed at the faithfulness and bravery I showed in some of our life changes. They said they found it inspiring and amazing.

On the inside I was a muddy, mucky, crumbling mess. Just taking each step forward not necessarily because I wanted to, but because it was what the Creator asked of me.

I didn’t go down without a fight. I fought, and I fought hard. I knew how to fight it, and I did.

I started with the door…trying to get out of that horrible space.

I pushed and pulled on that freaking door until my hands and fingers cramped. I knocked, banged and yelled until I lost my voice and was absolutely convinced that no one would open it for me. I manipulated what I believed to be the lock and handle until I was afraid it would break off in my hand.

I pushed on every inch of wall from floor to ceiling trying to find an escape.

Then I became resigned. Resigned to the fact that most likely I was never going to leave this room. 

So I started to figure out how I was going to make it work for me. Was there a way I could jazz it up a bit to help make it more tolerable?

I tried many different things.

I started with trying to be around people a lot. And I mean a really, REALLY lot. I thought that having someone to talk to would be good. And it was…for a time.

Then I started to work. I got to the point where I couldn’t sit still for more than 10 minutes. I had to be working or going. This helped for a pretty good while, but then I found myself overwhelmed with all of it and I felt like that almost did me in.

Then I withdrew from people. I figured I was in such a yucky space that they would probably be better off not having me around.

All the while I was still trying to fight through this with my faith. I really thought that this would “fix” everything quickly. I spent hours studying, reading and crying out in prayer.

Sometimes it would help a little, but not in the way I expected. But…I know my Creator. And I trust Him, so I kept fighting.

One morning after what felt like the millionth night of no sleep, I started to feel desperate.

Desperate that I would have to work this hard to breath for the rest of my life.

Desperate that I would have to continue under the weight of the loneliness I felt while trapped in this stupid room.

Now, keep in mind that on the outside I could still look pretty “together” and “good.”

But I wasn’t. Not even a little bit.

Eventually I reached a point that I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff and I had a choice. Keep fighting with the understanding that I could be in this stuffy, awful room a really long time, or give up and step off the cliff.

In that choice I KNEW that my Creator was asking me to keep fighting and to trust Him…even if it meant I would live the rest of my life in that room.

I was exhausted, broken into a thousand pieces, desperate yet resigned, hurting, and just really, really tired of fighting.

But my Creator God has told me that in him I will find peace.

In Him I will find joy.

In Him I will find safety.

He also told me that no matter what it looks like on the outside, if I give it to Him, He will use it in a way that is good for me….but it is going to be His kind of good that He sees fit, not necessarily mine.

What He didn’t tell me is that I would find an unlocked door or an open window.

I chose to not step off the cliff, though every inch of my being wanted to. And you know what??!! 

Nothing.

Nothing really changed in the way I felt, I was still hurting and tired. But I trusted that whenever and however this ended, if it even ended this side of Heaven, ….if I stayed fighting to go down and stay on the path He sat before me, even if I sometimes screwed up…. it would be good.

And that is where I have been for what feels like a really, REALLY long time.

But the other day something happened.

I had a day that felt “normal.” Then a few days later I had another one.

It has been so long that I didn’t even recognize it at first.

I began to not have to work so hard to breath. Sleep started to come a little easier.

I had an easier time being around people and also being away from them.

I could step away from working for a bit and I was okay.

Last month I found myself feeling excited about Christmas again for the first time in a really long time.

I’m not sure if the door to my room is unlocked or not yet. I don’t really try and open it much any more.

Not because I don’t want out…I very much want out and want to leave the room.

But I have found that being in here has strengthened my trust in my Creator God and to be honest, in looking back I think I could tell you that staying in this locked room has been worth it.

What I am beginning to learn is that the peace and joy that God offers me can still be found while I am locked in this room hurting, broken and sad. My peace comes from Him, not from my room, or the stuffy air, or even the fresh air, or the open door.

And one day I have complete faith that I will look up and that door will be open. I am not sure if it opens up and I walk out into the fresh air of the familiar world I was in before I entered this room, or if I will walk out into the heavenly world that is waiting for me after this life.

But I will walk out.

And for now, while I stay in this difficult season of my life, I will count myself blessed.

Not because my circumstances don’t suck sometimes….because they do.

But even when they do suck I have peace, joy, safety, and love.

And I have Him.

I guess I am telling you about all of this because you might be in a similar, stuffy room right now.

You might be frustrated that you are not feeling better.

You might be tempted to stop fighting.

You might be tempted to step off the cliff.

You are not alone. And I encourage you to fight and to focus on Him instead of the room.

I can't tell you that if you do that you will be able to step out of the struggle, but I can tell you that He is in the struggle with you.

And if you focus on Him, you will be able to not just survive, but count yourself blessed.